Man they haunt you

Feelings of despair. Feelings of rage. Isolation, confusion.

The weekend was spent with family and visiting the past. That’s never a good plan for anyone that struggles with breaking the bonds of panic and anxiety. It is never a good plan for anyone that is trying to rebuild their life after total destruction by a ruthless and unethical company.

What it IS good for is someone who wants to stay that way or is in the midst of rediscovering their childhood torment or that wants to be in the middle of a recovery experiment.

I however, don’t care for the entire thing. You can’t make anyone happy when you visit. You’re not staying long enough. You stayed with someone else longer, you only had coffee with me but are staying with them…

There is no end to the insanity.

Sprinkle ghosts from a life long ago and you have the makings of a drunken weekend.

Except – I don’t drink.

February 28, 2014

Battlegrounds are made for stuff

I have had a great-ish week. I conquered a few symptoms here and there and kept moving. That is a big jump forward let me tell you.

So imagine my surprise when this afternoon I get slightly derailed by a flash of symptoms. I wouldn’t say derailed is accurate but its the best description because I have been actually derailed in the past and this isn’t it. For starters, I am still sitting upright.

In the past a derailed day would be me lingering in my bedroom either sitting on the edge of the bed repeatedly taking my pulse ox, heart rate and blood pressure along with logging symptoms, praying and listening to my heart and capped by laying down on m my bed in despair.

THAT’S derailed. I could do that for days. Last year, I did.

Now, I hate it. The feeling of the room shifting for a split second. The heaviness of my hands and what feels like the difficulty of my fine motor-skills chugging along. I hate the feeling of my neck tensing and my body seems to have a delayed response to the commands it receives – or is it that the commands are delayed. Chicken and the egg for me. Who knows.

Sometimes I feel like its difficult to swallow during this time period and I try not to focus on it. Instead, I have to push forward. I have to remind myself that EVERY single test I have had – and I have had THOUSANDS of dollars worth of testing – show me right down the middle of normal. People would kill for those test results and I have them at the estimated cost of $30,000.

So during moments like this I spend my time reminding myself of those results. I spend my time reminding myself that I am healthy, that I have felt this exact way before and been fine. I pray and I try to keep doing things that are moving me forward. I refuse to scamper to my bedroom and I refuse to wallow like I did the last two years. I refuse.

Now, sometimes being stubborn works and I sail out of it while other times it propels me deeper into the abyss. I get dragged into a deeper version and have to resort to prayer and time to bring me back out of it. Sometimes its late and going to sleep resets the clock.

Regardless, it is a far cry from where I was.

Does this mean I am cured? Clearly not. Does it mean that I am on my way? Clearly so.

I make myself reflect on worse times because it reminds me how far I have traveled. It reminds me of the grueling road I had to take because human nature wants to delete those experiences from our intimidate recall. We really want to be well and be happy so that nasty struggle – once we are feeling something different – it seems light years away when it wasn’t.

I was talking to Counselor today. and we discussed the differences in my life.

Last year my employer and those that they allowed to act on their behalf – were working overtime trying to destroy me in any way possible. I was the undesirable in the ranks and they wanted me gone and if that meant I was going to drop dead from the stress – they were willing to achieve their goals at that cost. They came pretty darn close.

I was just about to the point of medical leave and within a month, was on it. Symptoms were destroying each and every moment in my life and the life of my family. Every moment – awake or asleep – was riddled with their torment. That was a year ago and it was the second year I was dealing with it!

My life revolved around trying to stay upright, trying to push my way through each day, trying to be productive so they couldn’t set me up – and boy did they try – and trying to keep my bills paid, food on the table and a roof over my families head.

Two years I lived in this agony.

Last year I was emotionally depleted. I was wounded and confused. I had no idea why they hated me so much when all I did was my job. I did it well and I made them a lot of money. Those that stole time, product and cost them money were secure (and are still employed) with their jobs. I didn’t steal time, product, money or anything else.

So through the year I suffered. Once I went on medical leave things improved slightly until it was time to review my absence and then I sank fast and hard. Once it was determined that I should take more time, I improved slightly only to fall again.

Once I returned to work, they combined forces and fired me. I filed a legal complaint and the rest will be figured out from there.

I challenge any of them, any of the lawyers or judges to walk 2 years in the spiked shoes that I did and see if they make it out alive let alone in one piece.

So fast forward to now.

I have brief moments where I can experience actual happiness. I smile and be pleasant most of the time but inside I am actually dying. I just don’t like to make a scene.

At my new job, they tell me I need to be more self-assured. I need to have confidence and want me to work on my self-esteem. That is a huge statement as to how much damage they did and how much work I have left to do to recover from it.

So what do I do about todays little set back?

Well I know that I have to keep trying to push forward. My first response is to resort back to what I used to do. Bedroom, stat checking, praying, worrying and waiting.

Today I went to the store. I was nervous but I went. I want to run to my room but I am sitting with the family. I am pushing myself to remember that I go through this stuff. I am forcing myself to plan my symptom free day for tomorrow because if I go backwards or if I stop trying to make sure I live my life the best I can – the I am letting what those people did – continue to destroy me and that just wont do.


The morning started like many others. Tired but functional. I did my early morning routine and had a few flops that have me pause but I pulled it together and then went to clean up an office.

My former employer and a recent lawsuit settlement was topic for the morning group. I try to shake it off. I know how the mere thought or mention can take a good day and turn it ugly. An undecided day can quickly be decided for me.

During the cleaning my spouse called. My elderly dog….we know the time is coming but we both talk about how it’s probably arrived.

Spouse is going to call the vet to have him come to the house. We hang up.
Shortly after I get a text saying the same thing about my former employer as before and symptoms begin.

Feelings of dropping blood pressure startle me and then it’s all revving high.

Fear of death, fear of passing out and not being found for hours….weakness in my legs, fine motor skills suffering….

All of the worries came washing over me. I quickly finished up, leaving a section undone. I’ll deal with it later.

I throw my things in the car and race home.

“Is that cold sweats?” I wonder. I visualize the path to the nearest ER.

“You were just in a warmer building moving around and you’re bundled up…don’t be silly…”

I continue to fret.

I begin to list the possibilities to what I’m feeling.

Stress from mentions of my previous employee – always sends me reeling.
Stress from all of the tasks I’m undertaking.
Mostly – my dog. She’s helped me feel protected and safe for years…and she is leaving me for a pain-free afterlife where she can run and play….

Guilt washes over me as I think about the last 2 years of her life.

I’ve been riddled with anxiety and fear. Worry and torment. I’ve raged, cried and lay cowering in my bed….

She was there the whole time. Her last two years have been stressful because of me.

She knows when I cry. She knows when I’m fearful and I think she absorbs it.

As I may here listening to her pant in pain – unable to get her to take her meds, food or water – I’m heart-broken.

6 months ago we lost our other pup.

This has been the toughest point in my life. Watching them struggle and stay “happy”. I am shamed.

I’m told over and over that nothing is wrong with me and I writhe and squirm like a weenie.

These amazing creatures push through. If I’m going someplace and she wants to go – she will endure the pain during and after – to be with me.
Now, I don’t allow it most of the time because it’s too hard on her but she reacts the same to going outside to do her business.

So here I am. Freaking out about my body, heart and crying for the both of us – when I get a call.

It’s the heart doc who just did a work up. She calls to reassure me that I’m absolutely fine. Sound heart. Solid. Normal….

While we speak – most of my symptoms disappear.

I’m reminded how delicate life is. I am going to miss my dog and really, that trumps everything.

February 13, 2014

March On

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Thomas Merton

I have worn a cardiac monitor the last 2 days. I pushed myself. I are things I knew caused palpitations and I braved fear feeling that if I collapsed – a record would be right there for the docs to see.

As soon as the monitor was removed – it all fired back up.

Disequilibrium, anxiety about chest pains, fear over stroke because of my symptoms – I can’t say I was totally free the last 2 days but I can tell you I haven’t lived nearly as much the last 2 years as I did the last day and a half.

There was something liberating about the monitor and wished I could wear one for months…..and months….

Tomorrow I’ll turn it in and wait for an answer fearful the phone will ring and they demand I report to the ER.

I’m hoping there are no changes from the last one. I’m hoping that THIS TIME I will be able to pick up the pieces and march on….

New Year – We can hope

Happy New Year everyone!

This time last year I was fretting about so many things. Health, work, home…life.

I look back over the past year and see SO much wasted time being afraid.

Yet – I’m still doing it.

Next month I will have had panic/anxiety for 2 years.

Panic has filtered away. I’m able to recognize and deal with it almost instantly. When you know what it is and how to manage it, goes away.

Anxiety just hangs in there.

It’s all about the symptoms.

If I woke up tomorrow and had no symptoms such as dizziness, chest pain etc, I would likely have no anxiety or at minimum, greatly reduced anxiety. The “normal” variety kind.

But my anxiety centers around a wave of dizziness or a deep ache in my chest. Fear of a medical emergency or sudden death….keeps me from living.

Yep, I said it. It’s THAT cycle that keeps me cemented into this stupid dance I do daily.

I have said it before – I feel I have aged SO much through this process. I feel I have been weakened.

It started because I was being double and triple teamed at work by unethical supervisors. I had hoped that my exit from that awful place would result in a cure but I think they did SO much damage for so long, I’m either stuck like this forever or it’s going to take a very long time to recover. Either outlook sucks if you’re the one enduring it.

They took a HUGE piece if my life away. I can only hope that they learn from their devious behaviors.

As far as I go, I keep clawing my way through each and every day. I have to because the second I stop, I’ll die.

If we don’t grit out teeth and keep taking those steps – they win. They would love to know they are still ruining days/nights – my life.

If it were me – I would be devistated to think I had a hand in hurting someone so deeply where they are the type to take pictures of the gory crime scene and paste it on their walls while doing their bloody sacrificial rituals over the broken soul.

I’ll leave them up to God to answer to because it’s all I can do.

My wish for this brand new year would be to continue to make gains. My hope is to regain the fun in my life, the activity and the joy.

They stole my joy and I want it back!

This year I want to live!!

Rolling and toiling

I’ve gotten away from the run of the mill health anxiety I had for over a year and hoped I was leaving it behind.

This week I had/have symptoms of a stomach virus accompanied by fear. The two are awful mixes.

Like anything else they drive each other.

I ended up in the ER the other morning after being terribly sick all night. It was scary but I was too sick to fret too far in advance.

The last few days I’ve been putting my life back together and done fairly well until today.

Pain in the left shoulder, neck, pain in the chest – we know where anxious people go with those….

I’m trying to be reasonable and it’s hard.

I have to work within the hour and want to stay home where I can freely toil about the aches and pains I feel.

I need to go to work where I have to pay attention and hopefully the aches and pains drift away proving that they are once again – caused by worry.

At home we had a disagreement about some boundaries. Nothing spectacular but still upsetting.

My bodies pattern is to deal with stress by creating heart worries.

Here we are.

When you start to recognize those things you would think it would magically disappear but – it doesn’t happen that way. Not for me. I always seem to be able to focus on the what if of it all.

What if it really IS my heart this time.

What if I’m wrong and something is really happening….

It always wins. Always.

My truest wish is that I would be able to get past this. I have said before that I feel I am going through this terrible stuff for a reason. I sure wish I knew what it was.

Interestingly enough – my former employer has been thrust back in my life this week.

Trip to ER for massive illness the same day they appeared. Chest pains and worry resurface as they continue to linger….

Maybe it’s a coincidence but frankly – it feels more like a pattern.

Did they do SO much damage that they will ALWAYS have an impact on my health?

Let’s hope not!

Well – I have to put myself back together and get to the new job….

Wish me much luck. Today’s a shaky day.

3:30 A.M. Wake Up

Yep – it’s 3:30 in the morning and I’m awake.

A random need to go outside from one of the dogs pushed my feet to the floor and started the activation process in my mind.

A dream followed me to the door. It was them. They visit me often. It wasn’t bad enough they taunted me while I worked there but they continue to harass my sleep as well.

Once in a while I get lucky and they are unable to find their way into my nightly movie.

Usually, they can.

This morning was much of the same. Being so stuck that all I could do was watch them weave their webs of lies while I stood helplessly by.

I try to shake the intense grip that victimization has on me but it just digs in deeper.

“Why did the execs choose to believe them without even asking me a single thing?”

“Why were they allowed to get away with it?!”

“Why doesn’t someone see how they’ve set up this web of protection by making family all key positions?”

I really want someone from the outside to really dig in and see what they do. To penetrate the armor and get a good look at how they operate…understand what I went through.

I lay here as a victim of their torment trying to make even just a touch of sense of it all so I can live my life.

I didn’t deserve what they did to me.

My hopes are that the governing bodies are able to see past the smoke and mirrors they are so good at creating and level the boom of justice on each and every one of them.