Another day…

This has been a rough week. It almost feels as though it is leveling out but you just never know with panic do you?!

I have given in twice this week. Tuesday and Thursday and taken the Adivan. .25mg. Thursday it took almost 2 hours for it to work. During a meeting I charted the ups and downs of the panic. That actually seemed to help.

I would write the time and arrow up if the panic was surging and arrow down if it was coming down. Maybe a note if something was extra noticable like chest pain or dizziness, moments of unreality or a worry. It was close to every 3 minutes that there was a change. Up for 3, down for 3. Then the time started to get longer between the ups, which seemed to help me feel better. Not to mention I had an appointment with the Cardiologist later that day.

So, I finished with the meeting, the panic drifted off into the Adivan sunset and I went to the Cardiac Center. Echocardigram was good, EKG was good. The doctor was very understanding and wants to help me get to the bottom of my palpitations….are they caused by my heart or my head. She thinks she can figure it out. If it is my head, then I think I will relax almost completely about my heart. She is a very good specalist so that will be a fantastic thing to hear.

I just finished a 48 hour of a halter monitor run. They are basically EKG leads attached to a beeper sized recorder. It records your heart rythm for 48 hours. If you have an event, like pain, dizziness or palpitations, you hit the button. You then make a record entry in a journal they give you, write what you are doing and what the event was and they pay closer attention to that to see if they can view any rythm changes.

The next step would be a pocket thing that I wear for 2 weeks so its a greater chance of catching a big event.

I am really really hoping that there is nothing terribly wrong. Not that I want to hear that it is all in my head (I have a neuro appointment next month) but I would MUCH rather that than hear that my fears are correct and I have some ailment.

The neuro appointment is a rule out appointment also. I get migraines, dizziness and worry about an incident involving a bat, possible rabies, not getting shots for 3 weeks and worrying that I have some rabies issues that they will find too late. Of course, if my panic IS due to those rabies, Im the walking dead because its infiltrated my neurons and it will be downhill from there.

And, you get a glimpse into part of my life. If I am not worried about one thing, I am worried about another..annnddd now I have anxiety.

Sometimes I think writing is a great benefit. In this case, perhaps not so much.

So anyway, I have these appointments and yes, I am aware they cost money but so will mental health bills that I will be racking up worrying about my head and my heart. If I can confirm that they are both just fine and free of freaky things, then I am hoping that I can start to rebuild my life.

At this point, as much as it saddens me to do so, my tolerance for this crap is failing. I figured if I get to a level 5 (out of 10) for panic, I am just going to take the damn pill and be done with it.

Adivan is so addicting though. If it were not, I would have no trouble taking it even daily. I just do not want to add to the troubles I have by becoming addicting to a substance. I dont really have an addicting personality but apparently this medication is just one of those that runs super high on the addiction scale. You face the same panic issues when you come off of the medication so I wonder, if it is worth it. Addicted and stuck on medication forever or not addicted and white knuckling through your life….both options suck.

I think back to my youth and wonder what in the hell happened.

Isnt it amazing how quickly time flies by? One minute you are 20. Then you are 33 and then you are in your 40’s all screwed up.

It is weird to me that I have become this person. Most of the time, I cant even stand me. I dont know how my spouse does and that was BEFORE panic took over my body.

So, I am in school (maybe looking at a career change…) and one of the classes is Human Relations. One of the chapters is about stress, its effects on your body and things like that. It took me no time to do the homework. None because I can write all day long about it. Its massive and its overwhelming.

One of the assignments is to take some of these online tests regarding stress, anger and lifestyle things. Needless to say for any of us that have panic, I am off the charts on those tests for about everything negative. My own doing.

So, I need to take apart my life and put it back together again. This time, with a little more care.

My job.

I hate it. I dont want to hate it, but I do. I have been doing the same job for the last 8 years and it just is not something that challenges me any more. I have told them but, there I remain.

Then there is job #2. It is extra income but very early in the morning. I am not a morning person and tend to get worn down when I have early mornings.

Then there is job #3. It is extra income but very early in the morning. No, I am not repeating myself, it is. I do it a few days a week and it is something I have to do to help support my family.

Then there is job #4. I do it one in a while so it really isn’t very taxing but sometimes they can be demanding about scheduling.

Then there is school. Online classes for now but I am burned out and need a break. After this semester, I will take one because I am fearful my grades are slipping because I just have too much going on.

Then there is home. My panic has had to have driven a small wedge between my spouse and I. We don’t really talk much and we cant really plan anything because I may have a problem.

I hate it. We went out yesterday afternoon. I was doing okay. Then out of the blue, I wasn’t. I thought I had my meds in my pocket so I continued on thinking that if I got to 5, I’ll just take a damn pill. Except, I realized it was at home. We were one store away from going home and I just wasn’t sure if I could hold it together.

I was distracted and distant which, I am told is understood because they went through it years ago, but who knows if that is really the case.

We ended up getting home and I was able to muddle through. I think the heart monitor made a big difference because if something happened to me, they would be able to see what. If I was rushed to the emergency room, they would be able to download the data and see what happened and eliminate the need for lost time…..


When did I turn into someone that can not function? When did I turn into someone that cant live my life?

Truth be told, I think it was last year. Reflection is a friend and an enemy. In this case, it is both. As I evaluate the last year of my life I see that at some point, things changed for me. It was almost exactly a year ago….

I wanted out of my job. My spouse was, I thought, securely employed at the same company for a few years. I was really contemplating leaving and just going to school. Getting a career that I felt I was suited for and that I could give back to the world instead of corporate greed taking.

I was SOOOo close to leaving my job when my spouse left their job. The boss was disrespectful and overbearing so it came to a blow out and that was that. It has been very difficult since because my spouse was also on disability, trying to get back to normal and let that appeal lapse, thus being removed from the program. Once you are off, good luck getting them to reinstate you.

So, here we are. My spouse feels bad about it, I know. But there isn’t much that can be done about it. We have to figure out our lives from here and just hope that we can get through it and still be together.

This isn’t easy. It has been a very long spiral. I think I truly to the depths of my soul dislike my job but I need the paycheck. I am stuck and don’t want to be. No one wants to be stuck. It isn’t a good feeling. I am older now, jobs are scarce for anyone, let alone people in their 40’s or older. People don’t want to hire us. Most of our bosses are younger than us. I don’t know when it happened, but I am an older employee.

An older employee with panic and anxiety issues that are on their way to becoming a disability if I cannot get a grip on it.

SO, now i sit at a level 1-2 for panic and hope I can get through the night without a meltdown. Hoping I can get through tomorrow at work, without a meltdown and eventually, meltdowns become a breeze of the past. I hope to look back and say “I remember when I went through the most difficult time in my life….” hopefully helping someone in the process, and then letting it go back to the past.

That is what I wish for. I wish good comes from this terrible ailment and I am going to be stronger and wiser on the other side, helping someone else get through. It is a lonely and painful illness that we don’t know if it will last a day, a week a month, a year or years to come.

I can only hope I can pull myself out of it through trial and elimination of the things I fear most and then be able to stand up one day, shake off the dust and walk on rejuvenated and alive while reaching my hands out to those still stuck in the mud.

God willing…..


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