Two steps forward and 4 steps back

Sometimes we wake up and our day starts like it used to. We move about our day and forget about the panic lurking. We wonder or for a minute, believe we are cured.

Then, evening sets in and the waves of want to be panic starts to slosh against our desire to remain free.

I had a great week or so where I felt good. I felt myself. I felt…cured.

It returned. It returned because I allowed it for starters.

I decided to take my healing into my own hands. I decided to go see a healer and honestly, felt blissful for a few days until I shared with my spouse what I had done. Once the ruckus started, the blissfulness passed.

I will go again, but I likely wont discuss it. I need to do what is right for my own sanity because right now we are pretty detached. My spouse has thier issues with being unemployed and all of the terrible low self esteem things that go with that, and I have this. They make it difficult to come together and enjoy each other, our marriage and the life we have fought to build. There have been moments that I have wondered if this is the end of us. Not because of them, but because of the distance between us. More importantly, my issues are so big and so overwhelming that I cant be close when I cant figure out what is going to happen from one moment to the next.

I dont like to plan anything because I dont know that I can follow through.

We attended an event recently and I really had a lot of trouble. I had to leave during some of it and return later, leaving my spouse alone in a crowd. And then we wonder why we seem so “off” lately…..

I take a lot of responsibility for the way things are. I just cant get over this and I am giving it everything Ive got. Its just clearly not enough.

Later in the week we will try yoga. I anticipate that I will be okay with it but my spouse will balk and then I will go alone. Hit and miss. Its now what we do.

I may or may not have some heart issues which is plaguing me. The doctors send you home with an event monitor and then you never hear anything. You dont know if you are in any danger (You have to reason that you must not be because you would probably hear something), you dont know if it is something that could kill you, might kill you, wont kill you, doesnt matter, does matter…you are left to wonder.

Maybe when this gets resolved I will feel better. Then the last step is neurology. Once they sign off on me being fine, then maybe the panic will stop.

Before I heard from the cardiology department, that was during that blissful period. I was told an extra beat wasnt a big deal, very common, and then put on a monitor for a month…..its enough to alter your life.

Last night I had a HUGE event, but wasnt wearing the monitor. I had decided over the last week that it was stressful to wear it because you always think about it. Its always on your mind. So, I took it off. I started to go to sleep after a particularly aggrivating evening and….flip, flop, flip, flop, flip, flop…..scared the hell out of me and sent me into a 10/10 panic attack. Sweating, spinning, crying, shaking panic attack.

Needless to say, Im wearing the monitor now….

Do you think it has happened again? Nope.

I do know that stress provokes them. Today during a meeting I was irritated by a guy that always has to draw out his part. Always. Sure enough, I had an event.

I think if my stress is so out of control that i cant have a moment of irritation without an event then my level has to be through the roof and lifestyle changes are in order.

work is the biggest.

I need to get out of my current job but its been several years. Im also older. Those two things do not make an employer want to hire me.

My company is toxic to people that do not like to gossip, say what they mean, mean what they say or backstab. You are the minority and are left standing alone more often than not.

Im still in classes and hope to get a degree in the next year or so. yes, my employer is helping pay for it but no, I dont care to use it there. I wish to find a company that treats its people with respect.

Is there any such thing out there anymore??

Anyway, this is my life today. Right now. Its trying to live the moments between panic to the fullest.

Thank God I have my faith and loving pets and my spouse/family. I just hope we can keep it that way!


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