Fall back

As in almost all preceding “break throughs”, I’ve had an epic relapse.

Crying, fear, heart racing, blood pressure out of control…it’s insane what our minds are capable of.

I’ve also noticed that EVERY TIME I’ve had a big workout at the gym, I have a melt down levels 8-10 panic attack that night. WTF.

I did well with the workout. I stayed focused, worked on following the trainers directions (he knows I’m too far into my head) and powered through the PVC/PACs that I felt, and they mostly drifted away. I get home and my heart starts pounding. I take my blood pressure, 127/79. Pulse 83. Up for me but I had a bad day and was just talking about work problems….so….

I decided to focus and do it again, figuring it would drop. Up, up, up each time.

What a stupid thing to do! OF COURSE it elevated each time, I was keying myself up with every number rise.

I laid down and just started praying and keeping in mind that the cardiologist has given me a green light to my life. Benign. Stress induced most likely….lifestyle changes…all within control. All I’m working on or have done.

Yet…my mind controls my destiny. My trauma and my world. I have a blip in my head and I’m off and running as I try to pull back on the reins.

“Walk through it” I tried. I became disoriented and nauseous.

“Tell it to get as bad as it can get”, I did, and, it did. I bawled in pain clear to my soul.

Blood pressure back to a slightly elevated rate but no more.


Am I carrying SO much stress around that when I cry like that, it releases the awful and restores my “health”?

Is any job worth this? No…it isn’t.

I’m a wreck. I had to white knuckle through my day today. Again. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be free of that place. I wanted to feel the sun on my face and know I’m alive and that life is worth living…..but….I seat belted myself in and gritted my teeth and struggled painfully through the day.

I cried so deep, so long…I don’t want to do this any more. I don’t want to leave the bath…ever. It’s where I hunker down and pray, meditate and beg for help.

I’m in agony and have no way of finding peace. I’m in terrible pain and torment.

Someone asked me about meds, I said I just couldn’t. I’m too afraid. I’m medication sensitive and it scares the crap out of me. I ended up in the ER because of a medicine and since then, have had regular panic attacks that have rocked my soul.

I’m terrified to take anything. I won’t even really take ibuprofen now….this is my world.

I’m lonely and feel terribly guilty when I speak to my spouse bc I’ve been told they want to be left out of the loop.

It’s a loop they helped me create but…okay….

I have no one to share this pain with. I have no outlet. I have no ability to release this build up of pain to…because the one person who said “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health”….said they don’t want to really be a part of it….

I think that if we survive this year, it will be an absolute miracle and divine intervention.

I feel more peaceful when I’m alone because the rest of my house is filled with constant noise.

I have no time to be alone. No time to myself, unless you count the 12 minute car ride to and from work…I don’t….

I’m never home by myself…and sometimes we need that to recharge.

It’s not an insult to my family, it’s a basic human need. So, I hide in the tub for as long as I can before guilt takes over (we have 1 bathroom).

I write, surf and talk to God so much I’m sure He wishes I’d lose His number.

He is all I have….


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