Panic is stealthy

So the last couple of attacks I’ve had seem to not be panic at all, but in retrospect, they were.

I had a few bad days that brought on lots of PVCs and PACs. I’ve tried hard to reconcile that they are not dangerous. But sometimes, that doesn’t work. It’s still scary.

So these days, I’ve been upset about something, they really hit, I flip to fear and sadness. Crying, feeling bad about myself and feeling hopeless….and fearful.

It doesn’t feel like a typical panic or anxiety attack so, it’s allowed to run wild while I sob and mourn for what feels like my lost life.

Then things lighten up a touch and I realize it was likely a panic attack that helped generate that mess.

I wonder if I will be able to restore my life to anything close to what it was, or what will help me serve Gods interest as to why I’m still on this planet.

I’m headed toward it being 6 solid months of terror and torture. surely God has a plan and that is why I’m going through this….He has to. I just wish I could know what I’m supposed to do!

I’ve decided to pay off remaining bills and leave my job.

In typical fashion, I worry that maybe its not the job at all. Maybe it is me and leaving a decent paying position will be a mistake because at the end of the road, I’ll still have massive panic and have quit my job for nothing.

Our minds are SO powerful. It is amazing. I can raise my blood pressure through the roof in a split second with a scary thought or fear. If I concentrate, I can drop it back to normal just as fast. What makes us do this!

I’m still doing my very best to stay off medication. I almost took Ativan during my crying jag last night but, I thought I’d pray through it and get into the tub. It helped and God let me fall asleep not long after.

I asked my spouse if they want me to go on medication because I can see that this is draining. I was told no, to do what I feel is best for me. I sure wish I knew what that was.

So I woke up this morning. I’ve already had both Pac/Pvc and trying to ignore them. Prayed and am hoping today can just be an easy day because I go back to work tomorrow and really want my last day off to be panic free. I need it to be. I’m worn thin….

The psychologists I see for cognitive behavior therapy think I’m loading too much information into my system. I read as much as I can about panic and these heart things I have, nutrition and supplements for the heart and things like that.

They wonder if my OCD approach to flood myself with knowledge isn’t keeping things from healing because I constantly obsess with how to get better. Searching for the magic key…they wonder if I back off and stay off google and force myself to carry on with the knowledge I have, will that help me.

So, I’ll try. Starting today, I’m going to work on not cramming yet more information into my head about these things and I’m going to try to fully rely on God and being open to what He needs me to do.

Faith HAS to be more powerful than fear!


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