If you stay busy, you still worry


People tell you…”Stay busy and you wont think about your heart beat.” “Stay busy and you wont dwell on your doom and gloom”.

If you avoid those people, it makes you feel better.

Today was touch and go. There were times I was fine, there were times I had a freak out for absolutely no reason. At all.

Have you ever had that happen?

You have a nice conversation on the phone. You put the phone down and BAM, you get a jolt of panic that takes your breath for a second. You instantly search for a reason. Heart? Nope. Head? Nope. Pain? Oddly, nope. Crap, am I dead? Not yet, so…Nope.

No thoughts were there. No need to google an ailment or worry that the Mayo Clinic’s website was down. Nothing. But there it was.

As fast as it came, it left. It surged on and off through the day, but it never really pulled up a chair, put its feet up and took control completely. Not completely anyway.

I did have bouts of feeling like I was getting ready to have a doozie of an attack, followed by nothing so at this stage, I have placed my panic attacks in the “Bully” catagory.

You know the ones. They leap at you like they are going to hit you, to make you flinch? Thats my panic right now. “Gonna get ya…..BOO!” But it doesnt…it just makes you THINK it is going to leap out of the closet…..

That would be beautiful because my immediate reaction is to shoot first and figure out who it was later. But, panic is “invisiable” so really, youre just shooting your closet. Too bad though. Im a pretty good shot.

So I spent the day doing home improvement projects in the heat. Im fairly certain that will cause a ruckus with my PVC/PAC’s later tonight. By the time I came in I was soaked head to toe. I tried to stay hydrated but for someone fighting this heart palpitation crap, it just seems to aggrivate it. Sometimes there is no winning in the game of  life. Panic subdued, palpitations out of control. Palpitations subdued, I get a new life threatening ailment I have to spend hours researching. Round and round we go!

I swear, by the time I am past this (if ever…) I will be able to pick a specialty or just set up my medical office some place. I wish I could remember my “To Do” lists as well as I can remember the signs and symptoms of terrible ailments that I can recall in less than a split second.

Truly, if I have an odd happening in my body, I have the fastest processer in my brain that seriously runs down the list of things I have researched. Sliding this way and that as I evalute my “condition”.

My mind runs a little someting like this:

Pain in the hip….”Is it a deep pain or surface pain?” Surface. “No concern over MRI contrast settling into my hip, surface in muscle or surface in fat?” “Fat”, “No! Wait, muscle, both sides, exact same spot”. “What is right there?” “Obliques” “How long has it been painful” “Weeks” “Whats under the muscle?” “Large intestine, result –  colon cancer” “Its not that deep. More Surface” Corrected course…”Remember the ab exercises you did a few weeks ago, you felt a pull, pulled muscles can take a few months to heal, remember the last time it took 8 weeks. The deep pulls last longer.” “Yes, I do remember. That must be it” End of sequence, results found to be non-life threatening. No google or Mayo visit required. Continue on with your day.

In the time it took you to read that, I have evaluated 10 different blips the same way. I wish I got paid every time I did it. I would be the richest person on the plant. Forever.

I….seriously….have….issues……

 

 

 

 

 

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