I have a reoccurring panic that I’m about to be fired any day. Well, it’s always today.
I work for a non-profit which shall remain nameless but has a fear based culture. Intimidation, exclusion, power wielding….you know the types..
I’ve been there for a while now and don’t really do much that would provoke unemployment but in my panic, it doesn’t matter.
One of the bosses passed by me today and I just felt loathing emit from his being. It isn’t the first time. Who knows if it’s me or just him loathing him. In this company, it’s hard to tell the difference.
This is the same boss that a few months ago told me not to worry, my job is fine….
Maybe it’s me.
Of course “What If” takes over.
“What if” something changed. “What if” they want to put someone cheaper in my place. “What if” I get fired and my spouse is still unemployed? “What if” I get fired and I can’t find a job?
“What if” just kills me.
So I came home, dizzy, huffing from wanting to catch my breath. Chest pains and a few flutters…
On to reminding myself.
“You’re healthy. This is panic. Panic always has dizzy with you. You have chest pains and flutters. The doctors said you’re okay. You’re healthy. You’re fine. You have your retirement if you need it. You’ll be fine…”
Honestly, I’m exhausting. I would like to sit me down and just say “Look, you’re a pain in the ass. Quiet down before I punch you in your face you whiney jackass”….
But I am not into self abuse so, it would just be idle threats and I would never take me seriously again so, it would be a waste of my breath.
The thing is, I compare myself to others in my position and, I pretty much stick to what they want. The others leave all of the time, take extra days off and don’t charge their benefit time, call in sick all of the time…and worse. Yet I sit here toiling about losing my job.
What a jackass….