My job should pay me to stay home

My job is driving me over the edge so, maybe they should just pay me to stay home. I dont want to approach the subject of disability, but I feel like my boss isnt going to stop until I am either dead or hanging in there by a thread….I think I have 3.5 threads left.

I work for a non-profit, which still, shall remain nameless.

My job is a stressful one by nature and my company’s culture is one of sabotage and sneak attacks. They love a good ambush.

The Director is someone who used to be my direct supervisor and before that, a co-worker.

As a co-worker, I didnt like her because she acted very immature. She talked about people and made fun of anyone that wasnt in her clique. I wonder if she realizes that when she was hired, those exact people would talk about HER and that her father got her the job. I wonder if she realizes they made fun of her at every opportunity……probably not. I recall learning she was going to be an Assistant Manager. When I said I didnt understand what the big deal was, my manager at the time and her sister laughed and repeated her last name a few times and said I was crazy if I didnt realize she would be running the company in a few years. I figured, she hasnt done anything to me (ha, little did I know she sure would in the future…) so what do I care if she came in as an Assistant or a VP, if she can do the job, who cares WHAT her last name was…well, they just spewed about it for a while….and then attached themselves to her…..they are now enjoying the perks of higher positions and higher salaries.

As a supervisor, she was quick to assume I was wrong. Always. I never understood why. I do now.

As a Director, she has become difficult at best. She apparently has decided that if she is done listening, she will throw her hand up (Like a stop sign) and walk off, mid-sentence. She will cut you off and inform you that she isnt listening to that or doesnt want to hear that or my personal favorite, doesnt have time for all of that. She reminds you constantly that her time is limited so…..

Its too bad. Once she seemed to move past acting like she was in High School, she leveled out. Now, well, she is on a power trip from hell and those never go well. You always fall. Hard. I hate to see that for anyone but especially her because at one time, I really thought she would do great things. I suppose its still possible. Perhaps if she is able to survive the tragic tumble back to reality, she could dust herself off and do those great things. Time will tell I guess.

In the meantime, she has me hanging by a thread in every sense of the word.

I was told yesterday that she has told anyone and everyone that I am not someone to be trusted. You couldnt believe anything that came out of my mouth and I would throw anyone under the bus that I could, to get ahead.


I can promise you that if you polled 50 people who kn0w me, she would be the only person to say such a thing.

I was stunned. I still am. After the initial urge to find her and punch her in the face (thank goodness for impulse control and the true desire to not mess with Karma), I have settled into sadness and disbelief…oh…and the return of panic.

I had to leave work early today because the welling of panic and dizziness is just too much to absorb this time.

How could someone who you have stood up for, someone you have protected when they made a truly serious error, treat you that way?! To intentionally ruin my reputation? What the hell for?

So, here I sit. The room swaying, my emotions volleying between rage and disbelief to sadness and being truly crushed…..all over one persons inability to take a promotion like a responsible human being.

I did a “what if” scenario with the VP of Human Resources today. I fibbed and told him I had a class project and read him a scenario that echos what I am going through with this person.

I feel bad about that but it isnt safe to do it any other way. I would be fired in a minute if I just walked in and said “Hey, the CEO’s daughter is making slanderous statements about me and likely ruining my reputation at work and in the community…can you do something about it?”

The thing is, I have felt the undercurrent at work. It is what has driven me to, for a brief moment, consider ending it all. I say that because the panic gets SO intense and you worry that you will ALWAYS be so worn down by it, that you do think that might be the only solution out there. IT ISNT, but for a bit, you think it may be.

For anyone in the throes of panic reading this, it DOES get better with work and coping methods so taking your own life is NOT the answer.

The thing that stopped me from it was the bad Karma I would get by making someone find me afterwords. No one deserves to have to stumble upon that. Then there is the aftermath of it. It causes complete havoc with those you leave behind. I wouldnt want my family to feel guilt, responsible or regret and sure, I could leave a note pointing to my boss and my company, but that wouldnt stop my spouse from feeling the pain of wondering if they could have said or done something to prevent it….thats just not fair to them.

So, my company and its culture is truly part of the problem. This person has strong ties to the executives so, how could I possibly address the issue?

I am actively looking for a job along with the other millions of people in America. It is a slow process and again, my spouse is out of work so leaving is not an option. I am stuck.

Being stuck is the kicker for me. Trap me and I feel absolutely undone. I am trapped. Completely trapped.

My boss knows it and I think exploits it. Clearly because she is saying terrible things trying to derail any chance I have at a promotion or additional income.

Again, WHO would do that?!

So, my heart pounds, my heart skips and flutters, Im dizzy, I have waves of terror followed by waves of panic followed by waves of anxiety…all because someone wants to act like everything is great and she is good with me to my face, while stabbing me at every turn, in my back.

This world really sucks. People suck. Bosses suck and panic…we all know THAT sucks.

The HR VP said they usually investigate those matters and pull more than one person in for the process so that no one is left holding the bag in case the person being investigated has strong ties to the executive staff.

That says a lot about our culture right there, doesnt it?

He said that if it could be proven as a more common incident (with others facing the same issues) then the person in the scenario would certainly be fired.

So, you think “Did you tell him?” No. I didnt. I didnt because it would take people answering the investigators questions honestly and that will not happen in a culture where people are allowed to fear for their jobs on a daily basis.

When our company implements new procedures, they are ALWAYS followed by “And if your staff dont follow these then they will be out of a job. It is your job to make sure it happens or I would hate to involve corrective action”

Every single time. Instead of being assured we will implement the changes, we have to be threatened. Not only that, we have to pass that menacing message along to our employees.

THAT is why they cannot obtain the coveted “Best Places To Work” designation they are dying to have.

Well, that and a million other things.

You cant control people with fear for very long. Eventually they get sick of it and seek relief. It can be in the form of quitting, filing a law suit, filing a grievance or unfortunately turning it inward and self medicating or escaping in other ways.

My guess is that she has some issue with me because I will speak my mind and I will do what is right and I will tell you the truth. Like it or not.

My coworkers have been polluted against me. I see them once a month for a meeting that we really dont talk in, so they have no reason to have issues with me, but apparently, they do. It can only be because there is a clear message that I am odd man out, and those people have to be avoided or you’ll join them.

The thing is, when they need help, I send it. When they need advice, I give it. When they need supplies, I pass them along…..what the hell is your issue?!

Oh yeah, I just answered that.

I wish there were a way I could resolve this and still keep my sanity and job.

I just see it as a lose/lose situation. No matter what I do, I lose. I really dont deserve it. She has me feeling terrible and my company allows it. This sucks.

Blah. What a big mess. I hate this.



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