Today started out okay but I felt like I was being stalked by panic.
It’s so silly. You wake up, start moving around, doing this and that and just trying to roll through your day.
I was off work today so I had time to water and enjoy the quiet before my family woke and chatter started.
Well, I’m not sure if it’s the chatter that wound up my panic meter or the couple of thunkers (PAC/PVCs) that I had but something let it out of its cage.
My panic, much like yours I’m sure is sneaky. Sure, we start to get wise to its games. My panic usually involves dizziness, thunkers and an over all feeling of wavy fear. Its light and easily ignored to a degree. I’ve come a long way from the white knuckle panic attacks from even a month ago…but, I feel like it can happen.
So today, my panic is manifesting itself in a clammy shaky way. I truly want to believe its just panic and not blood sugar, blood pressure, heart issues or a host of previously unknown ailments that will be discovered when I die.
It’s very hot here today and I’ve ridden my motorcycle for a trip or two. I was at the DMV and noticed my hands were a little trembly. Well, we all know that’s all it takes.
Now bp (before panic) I would’ve dismissed this as heat and wallowed in the AC at home. Now ap (after panic), it’s some death sentence.
I’ve taken my blood pressure several times. At one point I changed positions and had a reading of 99/57. Prior to reading a great deal on other heart issues, I would have been satisfied, now, I think I have whatever it is I read about. However, when I take my pressure in the same position as always…it’s the same pressure…as always. Don’t you think that should satisfy my panic? C’mon, if you said yes, you must be someone who doesn’t experience panic.
The answer is that it satisfies that but spurs other worries. Things like, I wonder if the dizziness I get isn’t really panic but actually a drop in blood pressure….
I sure wish the Mayo Clinic would just let me live there. It would be easier.
What I’ve found is that I’ve decided that panic is best suffered alone.
My spouse is wearing thin. I can tell. The bee incident made it clear that this whole freak out thing is getting old as far as they are concerned. Of course the decree that I no longer discuss my ailments was the first clue.
Listen, no one is more tired of me, than me. I annoy me more than anyone could and yes, I agree that this panic/Ailment bs is overwhelming and old. I am sick of it.
It’s like the mafia. Just when you think you’re out…it pulls you back in.
It’s like a jilted partner that just can’t let go. Please let go…live your life, be happy. Let me live mine….
I pray a lot. I pray God will take it away. I want to live in His light, but it’s hard when you’re afraid of the dark.
Again, I’ve improved. I think when you’re clawing your way back from a sudden onset of panic, it’s important to remember how awful it was before. I’m not second by second any more. I’m more like 15-20 minutes to an hour at a time. There was a point I thought it would be easier to be dead.
Isn’t it funny how we THINK that, but when our panic kicks in and we try believe its likely, we freak. ER, God, Mayo…we cling to it all.
My thing is simply, if God is going to take me, PLEASE do it while I’m asleep! I truly to the depths of my soul do not wish to know its coming. Amen
So, I lay here on a valuable day off, thinking I may be clammy, may have issues, think it might just be panic…and watch the day slip away like all the others before it.
I remember when days off were joyous. I remember when I could have fun…I miss it. It’s rare I laugh now. When I do, it’s a little startling and to me, almost feels a little menacing…like the Mad Hatter or the Joker. It feels unnatural and crazy. When did my joy die? I never saw it coming. I hope I’ll get replacement joy after (if there IS an after) I beat this thing. I want to have peace in my life, in my soul and in my mind. I would love to get to a place to help someone else out of this torture chamber…but at the moment, I have a hard time leaving my troubles behind.
I know my job is a MAJOR (driving force really) contributor. My boss slandering me and my direct boss being about as dependable as a sponge makes me so unhappy. But I have to stay until I can find another job. We are a 1 income house right now. I’m stuck.
So how to salvage what I can of my day? …….yeah, I have no idea.