Chicken or the egg


Today isnt starting out well. I immediately started fretting about going to work. I always have a sense of doom when I know I have to go. Im still looking for other employment but until I find something, I am stuck.

So that started my morning. Heart wise, I felt okay. A few flops but nothing major. I didnt think it upset me but I am either in a full blown anxiety/panic attack right now or Im having issues with PAC/PVC things. My vision is blurry, I am dizzy, feel like I have to sit down a lot or I may faint. I do get that with panic so…that is my issue.

My bp was good this morning until I launched into an anxiety attack and then of course, it shot up but I know it was the anxiety.

My desire to run home and be in my room or the tub is a good indication that it is anxiety/panic as well. Im at work and really really just want to go home. So, my vote is panic with a side of worry about the PAC/PVCs.

I think what started that is that I belong to a group that is about heart issues. Most of us have the “safe” PVC/PAC’s and some have some really serious issues. I can never tell who is what and I read one woman who states she has PAC’s but has fainted and had all kinds of serious things go on..so of course my security with what my doctors have told me regarding these things being harmless is sitting on the ledge ready to jump. Why wouldnt it? Im worst case scenerio….every time.

Now, I cant recall if she has high blood pressure, abnormal issues with her heart or anything else but I do recall she said PAC’s and fainting…..dangerous, issues….things like that. SO, I think that is sitting in the back of my mind hanging with my panic. I think it actually let the panic monster out of the cage. Damn it.

Ive tried centering myself but it just wasnt working this morning. It may be that I tried too hard. It may be that coupled with having to come to work, Im just not able to fight it off. I can honestly say if I was able to leave this hell hole right now with no consequences, I would likely feel significanly better. Not cured and not 100% but greatly improved. This place is THAT toxic.

So, I decided to write and hope that if it is just my panic/anxiety, that I can calm it down.

I did hop on a treadmill in our work gym for about 5 minutes hoping I could rock this out of my head and function. So far….nada.

Im considering a second opinion about the whole heart thing. I hate to do it, but this other group, most of those people have had a few opinions. Maybe if a second cardiologist tells me Im good, then I can shut up about it. Of course, that is what I said in the beginning about the first cardiologist. She is a great doctor and my GP agrees with her. He is also a great doctor. Technically, that is two opinions so….one would think I would relax.

Do people with panic/anxiety ever TRULY relax? Im betting no. Like Ive said before, I think we operate with an eye behind us waiting for the monster to jump out of the closet.

I reread my posts yesterday. I do think I have improved but when you have a run of these types of days, it is really hard to remember that. I was hoping to be back to “normal” by now. It has been a full 5 almost 6 months. I started having real problems around the second week in February. That is when the medication incident sent me to the ER and the same week I had to leave during an important meeting, bawling like a child who lost their favorite toy.

I know that I am not back THAT far, but damn. Dont you always worry that you are one piss off away from it? I do. I think it comes from working in an environment that really does try to throw you over the edge. It is so cloak and dagger it is silly. Who is realted to whom, who is politically affiliated with what clicque and how it has an effect on you. You really never know who to trust. Its terrible and to be STUCK in your job because you are a one income family, that sucks more.

These types of companies are not good for anyone really. I wonder how many of the “players” are trully happy or do they go home and fret too? Do they engage in this behavior because they think it is the only way to survive?

Maybe. But I do believe there are people like the Director who LOVE the element of gossip, negativity and cloak and dagger behaviors she has now blatently shown. Its too bad. I wonder if she knew what the people in the admin were saying about her, if it would stop that behavior? They really detest her because she is SO far outside of the lines, which is odd because I really dont care for anyone that engages in demeanding, dillusional behavior.

I prefer to treat people with respect, even if they dont return it. I want to know my karma is in check because at the end of the day it is me alone that has to answer for my failures. I do it every night when I recap the day and either have a horrid night with panic/anxiety and PAC/PVC issues or I have a comfortable night with a minimal or no blip. I want to know I did all I could to do what is fair and right. I wish more people did.

So, I look at the time and know I need to get back to my day. I hope that I can because I still want to flee. I want to get away from this toxicity and be some place calm and trusting, safe and nurturing.

The second I realize I have to go to work, I am locked and loaded. I get keyed up. I stay that way until my next day off and then I have a hell of a time because I am off and you never know what ambush is waiting for you when you return.

I had a note on my desk from my boss when I came in. She ventured into my location after I left work early on Thursday. (I didnt get an extra day off for the holiday because I had to send my Assistant to help someone else. So I had to split the “day off” with working two 1/2 days in place. Im sure that is COMPLETELY legal…..)

So, she dropped in to do an inspection and was kind enough to enter my office and leave it on my desk. Ambush. She only comes when I am gone. If I AM here, she will insist on doing the inspection alone. Never heard of before her and according to others in my position, not what she does with them. Shocking.

You wonder why I am sure. Well, I have a strong personality and if you are not secure with yourself, you have issues with me. It isnt that I say or DO anything, I just look you in the eye and tell you the truth. When you are insecure, you avoid people like that. They are startling to you. I dont mean to be that way to anyone, I just do things as honestly as I can and hope you do the same. If you need help, I will help. If you need advice, I will advise. If you need to vent, vent away. Your insecurity is not my deal and if you ever tried to approach the subject with me, I would be happy to discuss it and maybe you would feel better.

But, they dont. So, I cannot make it my deal!

Okay, well, wish me luck because I need to get busy.

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