After at LEAST two solid weeks of anxiety and panic, I had some fun.
At first it felt like fake fun. You know, the kind you pretend to have because your spouse seems worn out and one more having to leave an event and we will have “the talk” fun…
But after the inital desire to leave and fear of what that would bring….SOMETHING MAGICAL HAPPENED!!
I was at a concert that my spouse really wanted to go to. It was outside….in this heat. I dreaded it all day. What will the humidity and heat do to my palpitating heart?! I cannot stand being in public and have my heart flip flop around. I hate it. That and all day I had big Thunkers as well as feeling like I was dizzy or could faint. Shaky, clammy….all that bs. I really wanted to stay home and play it safe.
Prior to departure I took my bp 3 times. High, good, good. Damn, I have to go.
We get there. It’s outdoors no seating and crowded. Awesome! I bought 2 chairs and we found a spot.
The opening act came on. Sweet Lord it was a metal band. WHAT THE HELL!!! Bad pairing for the main event. Now I’m hot and pissed. Screaming guitars and kids young enough to….walk my dogs.
I looked at my spouse with despise and made it clear that….we…..are….even…..
All of my drama the last 5-6 months is nothing compared to that cranial abuse I endured for 32 minutes!! I even ran into the Director but am pretty sure I walked away before the chit chat was complete. Yay me! I was distracted by wanting to purchase chairs and get back so I do believe I walked away mid-sentence. Oops…karma.
So after that crazy non-real music scene (my spouse and I had fun with that mess), the main act came on and my troubles and fears slowly rolled away.
At first I felt odd about laughing and playing around, but then it was honestly joyful.
It’s been SOOOOO long since I’ve had fun. Since I’ve felt happy. Since I’ve experienced joy.
It was a fresh breath of air. Now, I know it may just be for the moment. I’m still SO grateful for THAT moment. I needed it so badly. I thanked God over and over for letting me take a breath. Even AFTER running into the Director.
We had such fun. It was SO nice to enjoy each others company!
At one point of course, there were drunks. Lots of them. One chick was dancing around flipping her hair back and forth like an 80’s hairband wanna be and almost fell over. Later she came back and had a joint and was passing it around. We swatted her and her drunk friend away and went about enjoying the concert.
I do admit that for one split second when I got a snootful of their wacky tabacci, I was a little freaked out for a second. Worried about the effects it would have and “What if” for some reason I had to do a drug test, would I fail because I caught a wiggle of that stuff? I don’t work for a company that does….but, I worried anyway.
I decided I likely didn’t get much and swore Id kick their assess if they brought it back.
So on with the fun.
I didn’t even mind sitting in traffic for 30-45 minutes trying to get home. No road rage or spewing of curse words. I was/am feeling too grateful for that.
So now its off to sleep where I dare pray that the night ends perfectly with no heart flops and blissful sleep carries me off.
Good night and God bless!