Dinner, Death and Crawling Back into my Bed

Today I have numbness in my left arm. Top side, not under. I believe it stems from a pinched nerve but that doesn’t stop me from going to places that those with panic and anxiety go. It is never good.

I have googled the hell out of pinched nerves and think that is indeed what it is and not the other.

I also momentarily go to thinking that if I am going to die, then I cant do much about it. Carrying on and fretting isnt going to stop it.

And then, I carry on and fret about it.

We live these crazy lives in our heads/bodies and try our best to keep it from our spouses, children, co-workers and friends. My spouse usually knows when I am having panic because I get very withdrawn, have nothing to say, and refuse to leave my bed or the bath.

However, right now, I am forcing myself to be in the living room, typing and being “present” even though inside I feel like I am melting. My hands feel weak and my panic is just creeping along trying to decide if it is going to expode into a full blown attack.

I have been using the site Just Answers. You pay a monthly fee and ask any specialist questions. As you can imagine, I am blowing up the medical side of that service.

This cannot be normal.

I have asked every doctor about every question that my mind races to. Sometimes you have to wait a day for an answer which can be agony. Sometimes you get instant responses. Usually they are the easy ones.

So as I sit here, there is a tribute to celebrities that have died in 2012. That is something that is AMAZING for people like me to sit through and hear. By the end of the show, I will have every single thing that each of those people died from.

So I pause and think, what in the hell. What in the hell happened? WHERE DID I GO!

I am young. Why am I toiling away my days worrying about illness that I clearly do not possess as I would have been dead 5 months ago if I had them. This is so stupid I cant stand it.

For those that have managed to get away from this terrible ailment, hats off to you because you are stronger than I. You escaped this self imposed prison and that is amazing. That is a feat that those of us deep in the trenches can only dream of.

In the meantime, I have to eat dinner now. I dont care to but I really dont want my spouse to feel bad that dinner was made and once again, I am skipping out.

I dont know if any of you experience this or not but I cannot eat much any more. I can only stand small simple meals. I cant stand to feel full. I dont like being mostly or even half full. I can only stand to stamp out the hunger pains and then I want to be done.

Its not like I am anorexic or anything. Far from it, but the creepy feeling that comes from being filled is nothing I care to deal with.

Anyway, as the television drones on about who is dead and how they died and my family chatters about it, I just want to crawl in a hole and cover my ears but I have to eat dinner.

Panic Sucks


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