Silence doesn’t mean its all clear

Sometimes I go a few days without talking about my panic. Silence doesn’t mean I don’t feel it.

Sometimes we get sick of listening to ourselves complain.

I always tell my spouse, if I could have me sit on a bench and say “wait here, I’ll be right back…” I would and then I’d never return.

Let that part of me sit there wondering where I went for a while. It’s only fair since I’ve been wondering where the real, panic free me is for months now.

I give me a bigger headache than anyone else could ever dream of!

Luckily, or un, its not been going on so long that I’ve forgotten what feeling “normal” was like. I still know that this time last year I was stressed but ok. Not hour by hour checking and rechecking my blood pressure, pulse, pulse ox and how my body feels…like I do now.

I was active and still had self-confidence. I was unaware of my heart beat (except once in a while when I would have a kerplunk or thunk). I felt them, wondered if I should get that checked out, and moved on. I didn’t crumble wondering if it was my last breath like I might surely do now.

So let the new me sit on that bench waiting. It deserves to for what I’ve gone through! Let it see what it feels like to be abandoned and worn out Damn it!


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