Well here we go again


So yesterday I obtained my cardiology medical records for the second opinion I am getting on Monday. Of course I had to dive into them the second I got in the elevator and then pour over them once I got home.

I was just about to the end of the stack when I thought “Well, its exactly what she said. No surprises here.” until I got to the last report where I saw that during my 48 hour monitor reading I had one instance of A-fib. Fib’s scare the hell out of me. I also saw a word Tachycardia. I freaked before I could see that it wasn’t the dreaded and deadly V-tac rather Sinoid Tachycardia, which is a fancy word for electric issues in my heart. I knew.

So since the A-fib and near death Tachycardia scare I have been clinging to the ceiling. I “monitored” my heartbeats through out the night while I was sleeping. I was always aware as to what it was doing. I am hyper aware today. I have had a chest pain or two…which I was getting all of the time at the height of my panic (which incidentally is when I was wearing the 48 hour monitor) and I read that A-fib is not uncommon during panic attacks. Stress can induce them, illness can induce them…..I can induce them. Yet, I am terrified….and likely….going to induce them…which is terrifying.

So, I am back in my OCD circle. I broke down and did blood pressure this morning. Repeatedly. Pulse Ox. Repeatedly. I left the bp cuff at home, damn it. In a moment of being rational I thought it best for my mental health to leave it at home or I would be attached to it all day. Well, now I want to go home and get it.

I stood up this morning and felt dizzy so I took my bp. It was in the high 90’s so of course, a little head rush. I hadn’t eaten anything and spent the night toiling over my heart….so….what do we think is going to happen?

It just aggrivated my fear.

I have a touch of something in my lungs this morning. Its been dusty at work and humid. I have allergies….but of course in my mind, I am wondering if I have a blood clot.

If you are exhausted reading this, imagine how I feel! I am SOOoooooooo draining on me. My spouse is a saint because for the last 3 days I have been having issues and the last 24 hours have been at a heightened state. I know its trying and I know its tiring but my spouse seems more patient right now…..then I worry about what that means. Do I really HAVE something wrong? Is my spouse afraid something IS really wrong? We could go on that for days. I have to stop it there and just say its because we talked and I think my spouse understands just how fearful this heart thing is making me and if I could wash it away and not be fearful, I sure would.

So, I am trapped at work today. Hoping I can break away to get my blood pressure cuff and hoping I can snap out of this. I took 1/4 of an Ativan about 1/2 hour ago. Ativan can take anywhere from 30 min to an hour to work, so I am hoping I tick down here soon. I need to be calm.

That’s the thing, we drive ourselves over the edge and then we medicate to bring us back down until we drive ourselves over the edge again. It is why I am really trying to do this without medication but I have had to medicate 2 or three times this week. I am getting the impression that it isn’t working.

Perhaps the Therapist is correct and I need to break down and do a maintenance medication so I can stay at a level 1 or 2 instead of this super highway of ups and downs. Its SO exhausting and I haven’t had a stretch of good days in so long that I cant recall what it was like. I have good hours. Good moments and nothing more. I miss waking up and not having a dark cloud over my entire life.

I do find it interesting that when I HAVE had to take medication, it is while I am at work. I seem to have the absolute worst times at work. I guess that isn’t a surprise though, considering that the Director and her minion are typically at the root of what ails me.

My spouse had a second interview yesterday. It is in real estate, the same field that started all of this. I have anxiety about that job being offered, accepted and then utlimately lost because it is a terrible field to be in. But, at least it was a second interview!

So as I thump and bump with my heart, feel dizzy, fear, numbness and a little sick to my stomach, I am going to try to push and claw my way through another day…I really have no idea how many more of these I can do before I absolutely refuse to leave my house. I hope I can stay on top of it before that happens. I feel myself slipping though. Its like trying to run up a muddy hill. You just cant quite get the momentum you need to keep going. You push and run with everything you have and with all of the effort, you slide slowly back to the bottom.

Its defeating and overwhelming, and I am tired.

Sometime I think if I just give in to it, I would be better. If I just lay down and stay there, maybe it will leave me alone. The more I fight, the harder it fights.

If you would have told me a year ago that I would be crippled by panic, anxiety and turmoil I would have said “I sure hope not!” and gone about my way, silently worrying that you were right.

I look back and there were signs. I noticed them but never thought they would all dogpile into a big blow up.

I had trouble coping with changes. When I spoke to people, I wrung my hands. (Think old woman sitting in a rocker wringing her hands with worry…thats how I was, but no rocking). I was in a constant state of panic and resolution over different things that happened last year. I would be wired up about something, get it resolved and just as I was starting to relax, another thing would happen. This went on for maybe 3 months solid. Once I decided to let the outside factors of fear not rule me, my mind turned against me and started attacking my body.

I had never had health anxiety before. Sure there were times I think I overreacted to injuries or illness. Sometimes we are babies. This is OVER THE TOP worry.

I hate it. I also have zero control over it and I think that is the common misconception about people with anxiety or panic. Mind over matter. Well, that is exactly right.

You mind controls everything that matters. If somewhere in the back of your head you doubt something, your mind can spin that something over and over and over until it becomes a monster hiding under your bed.

My monster is too big to hide under the bed. It doesnt bother hiding at all. People at work are starting to see it. “You look pale today”, well thank you very much because your fantastic observation has just sent me running to the mirror, checking my blood pressure and pulse ox.

“You look really tired today” well thank you for that. Now I am worried about those other things along with sleep apnea, iron and a host of other ailments.

The basic issue is that the dark places in our minds are controlling everything.

I hate it!

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