New hope old behaviors

Monday I felt like I had a new lease on life. Tuesday I felt like I had a renewed lease on life. Wednesday I felt like I had an extension on life and today, I miss having my life.

I haven’t reverted back to complete toiling but I did resort to taking my blood pressure and pulse ox several times last night.

Yesterday was very stressful for me. I had my interview with another department. I had to work in the heat. I had to be where the Director works and I had to juggle priorities like crazy.

Because of the chaos, my PVC, PAC activity was very pronounced. Not as much as it could have been, or has been previously, but still very alive and well.

It hit me more when I got home which is typical of palpitations, ectopics, PVC, pac….what ever you want to call them. They typically go wild for people after the day is over and its time to lay back and rest.

It’s a creepy feeling having your heart leap and quiver. Flop and roll or thunk and flip. It’s unsettling. You should never, ever feel your heart. Ever.

For those that suffer with these (by the way, the majority of the population has or has had skipped and extra beats, you just don’t feel it) the sensations can be so alarming that it disables a normally fully functioning and active person.

Once you’ve been thoroughly evaluated by a cardiovascular specialist and deemed healthy with “harmless” skips or extra beats, you are supposed to ignore them.

That’s hard to do.

Stress brings then on, anxiety, panic, heart burn, not enough rest, too much rest, exercise (for some), sugar, salt, bending, gas, bring startled….the list is endless. Really, anything causes it.

If you haven’t felt it, its like going down a really big hill, like a roller coaster. That moment when your stomach drops? It’s like that but with your heart. Terrible thought right?

It’s not just the once usually. We typically feel it constantly during peak times, or intermittently and without the clear cue of an amusement ride provoking it. We ARE the amusement ride.

So the millions that suffer psychologically with this “harmless” intrusion into our psyche, really have no outlet or cure. We can try beta blockers or abulation (intentionally scarring the heart where docs believe the short circuit occurs) but from my research, the palpitations return eventually anyway.

Beta blockers are not an option for me. I have an athletic heart rate (47-55 bpm) and blood pressure (105ish/60 ish). A beta blocker would likely cause me to pass out. I’m not sure why I would risk that.

So with palpitations being at the crux of my panic, ill need to learn to live with them which is silly since I’ve been aware of them off and on for 23 years….but its only been the last 9 months that I’ve been worried about them.

The last 9 months have been very trying. I have concern my marriage won’t be in tact by next year because of the tremendous amount of stress we have faced individually and as a couple. We both have had major upsets in our individual lives that also have an impact on our lives together.

Extended unemployment is rough when things are good. New anxiety/panic disorder is rough when things are good. Combine them at the exact same time, mix in your child’s drama, its recipe for total chaos. Months of chaos is hard on a relationship.

I’ve noticed I don’t feel as warm. I don’t feel as loving. I feel distant and almost on guard.

Intimacy? No thank you. It’s not you, its me. I think this panic has been so hard on my system that I can’t share intimate moments. Get your mind out if the gutter. I’m talking about basic, soft, touchy, gooey type emotions or actions, let alone the other.

I think panic just saps it all away. It steals your joy, your security, sense of safety, self-worth…everything.

It’s a two fold uphill battle. You have to battle the fear and the effects of fear. A double threat.

So I think about my day and hope I can push forward. I’ve been deemed very healthy. So let’s tackle the day as a healthy person.

You should too!


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