12 days SEEMS like longer


I looked at my posts and saw July 29th as my last one. Unless you count the one hung up in drafts, but that’s gone. I thought “WOW!!” Thinking it was like a month or something. “I am REALLY doing better!” I looked on the calendar. Okay, maybe not AS well, but 12 days is good.

I neglect to include the 10 minute melt down out of the blue Sunday. It was 10 minutes. I argue that it shouldn’t even be included. But my mind disagrees. Whatever. It controls EVERYTHING anyway, I guess its right.

I forget about these silly moments spent fretting over stroke. It’s being anxious, not in a panic. It shouldn’t count either.

In reality, I am doing better. I think about earlier this year and remember that nasty closed in fear from hell I fought every minute of every day and want to hug God for letting me get away from it.

A quiet hot bath is my coping mechanism when panic is out of control. I was in and out of the tub so much I should have had fins.

I take one, maybe two a day now. Not usually because of terror but because being clean matters and I decompress a bit.

I’m mostly off my blood pressure and pulse ox monitoring. I do it once in a while but not all day every day like before.

I still Google health worries but not as many, as much. However, right now I’m fretting over stroke…again.

I have a new eye twitch with some mild numbness in my left eye. Some mild numbness near my ear and cheek. It automatically creeps to stroke.

My health is very good. I have next to no markers FOR stroke and always suffer tight neck, shoulder and back muscles. I get Twitches with stress and my water and diet have faultered this week. I had a pinched nerve in my back that had a mild numbing in my face and arm. I’ve irritated it and that could also be a source as I feel the tension and strain in the same spot. If I stretch it and isolate the area….twitch and numbness. All signs point…..

Many OTHER reasons to engage that are NOT stroke related…but…to me, stroke is on my radar and that’s it and I’m anxious.

My spouse has finally found s job after months of trying! You would think a huge weight was lifted but until the work weeks get going and I hear its enjoyable or at least tolerable, I worry. It’s in leasing which is a no mercy field so again, until we establish that closing ratios are not a big push, I worry.

Leasing gives you maybe 6 months to survive if you are not a seller. My spouse is NOT a seller.

So, I hope this is a place that shares the closings so my spouse will still be employed years from now….

I have started seeking solid leads to employment out of my department but within my company. I have an app out right now for another position. If I am not chosen, at least the execs know I’m looking and maybe that will spur a positive change for me.

I was exposed to the Senior Director (whom I’ve known for years but until we mini bonded over issues with the director or some concerns about the company, she didn’t have a very favorable reaction to me, which I am sure was by design of the director), working with her was fun. I was also with the Senior Directors sibling who actually hired me years ago. She hated me (still can). The Director was there, my boss (who follows after the director like a mean girl fan club) and my co-workers.

I dreaded it all last week. It actually was good for me.

I had one incident where my boss was deliberately being an asshole to me in front of everyone but I’m trying to blow that off as her trying to impress the Director.

The Director was awkward but not over the top as she has been. She bum rushed me yesterday to pay me for boot camp. So weird since she tells people how terrible I am…

Anyway, it was enjoyable and good in that we were all exposed to each other so maybe the myth of me being what the Director has told everyone can be torn down.

So, its time to start my day. I’m supposed go be off but have to go in to work. I promised my spouse the Farmers Market and immediately felt pressure because my spouse wants to make a plan for the day. I am still not on solid ground.

When I expressed that I wanted to do the market and needed to drop in to work but more than that felt like being pressured, I saw clear irritation. When I addressed it, I was told everything was fine. But, we spent the rest of the night pissy.

I can make a few plans now. But not an entire day. I fear ruining the day with an attack and having to come home.

I get that my spouse starts work Monday and I can see that shopping is what the true desire is but honestly? My spouse has SO MUCH shit that my bedroom looks like a wreck. We have one room I can’t use because clothes and crap is all over.

I used to keep things neat but there is so much, I gave up.

My spouse is like Pigpen from the Charley Brown strip. Messy, unorganized, verging on hoarder.

Sometimes I wonder how much money we’ve spent shopping for shit we don’t need. I also know my spouse is much warmer when we shop and is chilly when we don’t. I’m told that I’m imagining things, but I’ve tried it out. It’s true.

I don’t like shopping. There is too much extra in this house. If that were all gone, my spouse kept things tidy and we needed something then fine.

So, as anxious as we were to start the day yesterday, we are still asleep.

I wonder how spouse will do next week when we have to be up for work….

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