I feel alone


I’m sitting with my spouse at breakfast. We are on our phones. I look over and wonder what happened.

I don’t find myself looking forward to my days off to spend with you. If anything, I might get a little anxiety.

I feel judged. Like I’m an annoyance because of this panic and anxiety stuff I’ve developed. I feel you looking at me with irritation and then I resent it.

I resent how you tell me I’m high maintenance but….youre not. I resent how you think I am draining….but you never are.

I resent these things because you are my equal in every way. Every way.

Your bad days are just as epic. Your depression, anxiety…just as consuming. Just as draining.

You are high maintenance in your wants and expectations. Complaints, judgements and negativity about others but you think you’re not. You say its only me.

I’m angry about it but I’m not strong enough to push it. I say I must be mistakin or I was kidding and I walk away from it. Quietly seething.

You mourn every celebrity death, event, mishap or non-news worthy thing they do. I shake my head.and.keep going. It’s who you are.

Now? It irritates me because you don’t see that behavior as requiring attention. It does. You want to have in depth discussions about them, their lives, choices or failures like we know and care about them. I do it because its what you do. I don’t think I would with anyone else. I do it for you.

I am not saying you never do anything for me or that I am not difficult. I am. I am not implying anything even close.

I’m simply saying….we can drive each other crazy.

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