As I slowly return to reality from a dream, I see the orange glow of 4:12 a.m. on the clock. My dream about work still fresh in my mind. I turn over and refuse to wake up. My dream picks up where it left off.
I drift back to reality, 5:20. No! It’s still too early, until finally just after 6, I give in.
As I lay awake, taking inventory of my night, I recall my dream.
A BIG argument with my boss. The Senior Director joins in on my behalf, but not really. The Director is completely absent. I start a new job within the company and totally abandon my current job. Feel guilty and then go back to help for a few weeks. Still arguing with my boss.
I woke up agitated and anxious. Now I’m watching the clock, not wanting to leave.
I’ve been doing better. Though part of me wants to put that in quotes.
I’ve been able to leave my house many times without the several step stages as before. On a few occasions I even woke up, got up, dressed and left right away. I haven’t done that since January.
But, today, stages. It makes me late. I don’t like to be late. I also don’t like my job so, its not a surprise.
I have had odd chest pain lately and I had some this morning. That really started the ball rolling.
It may be gastric, but I fret about my heart. Of course. It’s where either would be so, its not unreasonable. I’ve thought about making another cardio appointment and asking how he knows I have no artery issues, because the pain has been pretty sharp at times.
I did start exercising some. Wednesday and Friday. I bike tomorrow. Then I’ll do something Tuesday and so on. My cardio is better than I feared but my body hates running. So clunky and painful.
7:16. I have to go but I want to stay here. It’s raining and quiet right now.
I saw the psych Doc last week. She gave me a script for zoloft. 12.5 mg. Sub therapudic levels because I’m afraid of medicine. I haven’t picked it up yet. I want to do this without medicine. But, I struggle through my day. Every day. She said its like raw nerve endings. If I can take the medicine, it will calm me down enough to heal.
It all makes perfect sense….but I’m still afraid of medicine. I fear the side effects.
I’m thinking about insisting the heart doc run a dye test to check the veins in my heart. I don’t like the dye either and that will be a whole new worry, but truly, how do they know for sure that you don’t have a block just by echos and Ekgs? I’ve had two stress tests as well. I guess I should Google those. I don’t know.
7:23. I work at 7:30. It takes me 10 minutes.
I think I go late because I have to stay late. I think its how I keep closer to 40 hours instead of the 50 plus I used to do. No one ever appreciated it. If anything, on the rare occasion I had to leave on time or God forbid, be ill, I got a ton of crap over it, so I stopped putting in extra hours.
I leave on a mini vacation Thursday. There are no solid people to run my department since the Dictator took my two leaders. I’m sure I’ll have a wrath of some sort upon my return. They will take no responsibility for playing such a big part in things that will likely not be quite right. It will all be my fault.
They always love an ambush. If they can ambush after someone has been gone…..even better.
7:29. I have no choice. I have to leave.
God grant me the strength I need to face this day. Amen.