Melt Down

Yep. We had to know it was coming. It did. Today was an official set back and I hate that.

My spouse is irritated and unknowingly hammering me about trying harder to get better. Trying harder to not dwell. Trying harder to not feel like I’m on deaths door while in the same breath asking me if I feel alright because I’m pale.

I HAVE HEALTH ANXIETY. What in the hell did you think that question was going to do? It sent me spinning. Then, my spouse was irritated because I was in a panic and said “I don’t know what to say to you anymore.”

Well, how about not telling a health worrying freak that they look pale….for starters?

How about just ignoring me like you’ve been doing all day? How about keeping an eye out and not saying anything about why?

So, down I went like bird who lost control.

Crying, sadness, fear, terror really. I’ve been fretting over my heart all day and some fleeting pains or discomfort. Reviewing symptoms of a heart attack over and over, not really matching any until I started to feel a little flu like right before I heard I was pale. I WAS in the midst of reasoning out my nausea to worry, acid and not eating or drinking much today…..once I heard I was pale, I freaked and asked if I needed to go to the hospital which was met with a puffing sound and being told I was fine.

Health Anxiety is the single worst thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. It’s not quite hyperchondrea (make up things that seem very real) because Health Anxiety is generally based on true symptoms that exist and test stems from worst case fears.

I am Health Anxiety’s bitch.

I’ve been deemed healthy by 4 or 5 different doctors in 3 different specialties…you would THINK that would be enough to cause me to simmer down. Yeah, there was a time I didn’t understand panic either. I sure get it now.

My spouse would talk about being carried out of a grocery store or being on disability. I never understood it. I do now.

However, having gone through such trauma you would think there would be endless understanding. At times, at times no.

6 months of my life have been in utter and complete hell. Turned inside out. I fake my way through many days and only because I have the ability to hide or withdraw. If I didn’t, I would be on disability right now.

Oddly, my job was the catalyst to the epic crash today. It started yesterday when I found out that the Director and her minions were blaming me for a former employees poor performance in a position they have held for a year. This person wasn’t ready and I told them that. A year later….its my fault. Nice.

My employer passes blame out like its a party favor. I am to accept responsibility for any unhappy employee yet, I’m an employee and unhappy….that’s my fault too.

It’s one of those toxic places where everything is my fault….no matter how much time has passed or how many good things I’ve done to prove otherwise.

I’m looking for another job but firmly believe this company is seen on my resume and I’m passed over for interviews because of the companies image. It’s that bad.

So, here I lay. In 12 hours, I’ll be in this spot having to leave for work and not wanting to.

Oh and if I haven’t mentioned it? Panic sucks.


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