I’m in a mild patch right now. After of course sobbing my eyes out a week ago about my fear over my low heart rate.
Regardless, I’ve tried to press on.
I made a decision Saturday to stay away from Facebook. Well, not all of Facebook though I have limited how much I’m on it.
I don’t visit the illness pages right now. I wondered if it kept me locked in my despair so I started staying away. Since then, I’ve seen a hint of sunshine in my otherwise dreary world of panic, anxiety, angst and fear.
I think not reading over and over about how misery filled another person is, helps you concentrate on your present. Your life. Don’t get me wrong, specialty pages have their place. They did help me vent and find others with the same symptoms, worries, fears, and whatever my current ailment was. I’m not gone forever, I’m gone for now. I think all of the posts made me sick(er). I think it kept a pretty good grip on my wellness or hope of becoming well. Not maliciously, but out of a sense of common ground, a sense of belonging if you will.
I made a decision to stay off of the ailment pages just like I do the news. Perhaps when I’m stronger, recovered, able, I’ll return to those things and be just fine. Perhaps my life is more rewarding without them. I did live without Facebook once. We all did.
So how am I? I’m…..ok.
I think back 7 months ago and think, “I’m great!” Because that was a damn dark time.
I think back a week ago, that was a dark time, but not AS dark. We do get better. Our backwards slides feel like we have been pushed back to the beginning. But, we haven’t.
We start to feel “normal” and then we have a bit of a relapse. We have a knee-jerk reaction and grab on tight trembling, screaming “Oh no! Here it comes again!” Fearing the worst, because we’ve been there. We are sure we are headed there again. The tide rises and we gasp, only to realize, its not as high or as powerful as before. It’s big, but not as tragic. It doesn’t stick around as long and it slinks away. Almost without notice. That isn’t to say it isn’t terrifying at the time but once its gone, you’re able to see it gets smaller and shorter each time.
So at this stage, I can take a breath for a minute. I do so knowing based on last experiences, it likely isn’t forever.
My opinion is that God gives you a little break. It’s a little time to first, thank Him, and be grateful for the simple things you’re unable to enjoy while bogged down with anxiety, and I do.
A warm bath lit by moonlight, a quiet night and peace in your heart, in your soul.
I promise you, for those that do not suffer these terrible things, you may not understand but something as simple as that, is a true gift from God and I spend that time praying. Thanking. Appreciating. Not because I hope it will be prolonged or because it aids me, no. I do it because my gratitude runs SO deep, its a natural response.
So, for those in the beginning stages or those revisiting those terrible moments, hold steady. It comes and it goes. We can’t control when or why but we can sure fight to limit the things we do that prolong our pain.
Stay away from the news, chaos, upsetting people or circumstances. If crowds irritate you, limit your exposure until you’re ready to reintroduce yourself to them. If it becomes a problem, back off and then try again another time.
Time heals all wounds. Sometimes it takes A LOT of time, but healing does happen.
Hang in there.