Please Leave, Thank You


SO much has happened since my original plight that started with a carelessly prescribed medication in February.

Panic and anxiety showed up. Parked the RV, set up some lawn chairs and started taking over my life.

As you’ve read, I’ve fought a lot of battles. I’ve won some and lost a lot, all while my work environment was threatened by the daughter of the company President.

In the last month or so, I’ve had my fair share of issues. Disequilibrium, nausea, panic, anxiety, depression, fear of death, fear of living…you name it.

But

It’s been….dare I say….better.

I was yanked out of my old place, put in a different and very poorly functioning place and BAM, I am functioning a bit like myself with chunks where I’m not.

If I’m very busy, I do better. Sometimes I have to push through the feelings of panic and anxiety, but again, busy is better.

I’m busy a lot.

I’m not sure working 12-16 hour days is ideal as I do believe overworking can aggravate symptoms.

So can being tired.

I have also had very little exposure to the Director. Next to none actually. Ive FELT a bit more relaxed and less like my job is being threatened. Coincidence? Clearly not.

It all sounds axing right? Recovery MUST be right around the corner!

Um, no. My bouts are painful and disabling. I relapse every week to week and a half. Thursday, I relapsed through Saturday morning. Got busy at work and it was better.

This morning, I start to bubble. Pockets of panic and anxiety. So I take something called Sedalia because I read it was the opposite of everything I’m fearful of regarding medicine.

It was like someone flipped the “off” switch within MINUTES. I was stunned but almost giddy. I felt, dare I say…NORMAL!

We went about our day. I felt peaceful. I couldn’t believe it.

8 hours later…someone turned that damned switch back on and it happened just as fast.

Just as stunning. I still can’t believe it.

It FEELS worse, but maybe it’s because I had total relief and it was yanked away.

Maybe it IS worse. Who knows. What I do wish, is that it would leave and not come back.

I saw myself today. Now, I see the “new” me again. I hate it.

Chest pains, fear of sudden death, panic, anxiety, it’s all rolling around.

I can’t help but wonder why.

Did the homeopathic meds give me something my body loved and now it’s having a tantrum?

I pray when I wake up, it’s gone. I pray every day that those of us that suffer, find relief.

This stuff still sucks and I wouldn’t miss it if it were to leave.

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