I had hope for a minute


I have done well since seeing my GP on Thursday morning. All of my results looked good. No terrifying things in the reports (he gave me a copy).

I used that to find peace after my TIA/Stroke scare. I also took several tests to score my risks using those results and across the board I have a 1% chance at having a blood clot, stroke or heart attack. I was pretty excited. It’s like scoring the final game winning point or passing that really hard class with an A.

Yet…

Ever notice there is ALWAYS a yet?

Yet after a day of reading results and enjoying the benefit, after a day of slightly reminding myself of results but mostly going on and feeling like maybe I was rounding a corner……

After a split second of hope that this whole terrifying episode may have led to my ability to start repairing my crazy self…..

After I lay my head down and start to drift…my PVCs start skipping and for a minute, I worry about Afib. Which provokes concern over clots, which provokes a concern over….yes, you guessed it. Stroke.

It started with a slight cough. A few times I coughed for no apparent reason. Immediate fear of blood clot in the lung. Why not. I haven’t visited THAT location in a while….

I worked hard to dismiss it. It drifted back.

I decide I’m tired and start to sink away to dreamland. The TV is on. My spouse is watching. I see embers start to float around in a scene. Lots of them and then….a big panic cloud rolls over me.

Disappointment is right behind the Crazy funnel cloud. I truly hoped this latest round of Nutsville was a catalyst for my last…..

Once panic hits you’re on edge. Your nerves are raw and you’re panic pulls up a chair and starts watching TV with you.

Realistically, I know I’m stressed. Director called me Thursday and started a fight. I almost hung up on her 3 times just to get away from the situation.

Director is relentless. Ridiculous.

So that’s been weighing on my mind. Work is always a source of anxiety. Always.

I know Director causes panic attacks. I’m not sure why it surprises me.

So I’m drifting off to sleep when panic lights me up and now I’m spending my time trying to shake the fear that anxiety and panic are going to “get me”.

This stuff is stupid. I hate it.

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