My work will kill you if you allow it

I’m burdened today. My bosses are just being ridiculous.

Tuesday I had a meeting for this program I was asked to design. Another manager was disrespectful toward me but went unnoticed by the Director.

I said very little in hopes that the meeting would just flow without any negative focus on me. It didn’t work.

During a meeting the next day with my repeat boss, I was told the Director saw me as standoffish.


At this point if I speak, I’m an asshole. If I don’t speak, I’m an asshole.

I guess to the Director, I’m just an asshole.

I found out they took my troubled Assistant to lunch and grilled him about my treatment of him. They reassured him that he is being relocated because of my failure of him. Nice.

How else can I help you?

Well, Saturday I get an email from the insecure and highly sensitive manager from the meeting Tuesday and I try to resolve her concerns. Another email fires back mentioning the SR Directors name.

So, before I respond, I try to get Sr’s preference. Sr is clearly irritated. I’m just trying to figure out the path of least resistance and what will allow us to move forward. Guess clarification wasn’t that route. No real answer and wrong again.

I wait a while, still unsure so, I call repeat boss. Explain the situation and my hesitance to respond to sensitive manager. I tell her I can’t win and she agrees. Says not to respond until they are able all talk. I say, “I’m willing to do whatever needs to be done. I’m just trying to help.”

So, I spend my day off filled with anxiety because I have other people in the company telling me they want me out so they can slide sensitive manager into the new District Manager position.

You are willing to intentionally rip me apart because you want your friend in that spot? So put sensitive there and go about your business.

Why do you have go try to utterly destroy me in the process?

You lie about me. You try to ruin my reputation and try to make people believe I am someone I’m not…..

All while you have me extend my hand to help…..

No wonder I am sometimes SO close to just ending it all. They will not be happy until I stop breathing.

Having drifted there a minute….I can’t condone that way out. I understand if but, I can’t leave that for my spouse to deal with.

Today I’ve drifted in and out of worrying about stroke, having panic and anxiety. I had things to do but again, couldn’t.

It will be one solid year in the next few weeks.

One year since my life turned inside out and honestly….I’m worn completely out. I just do not think I can do this much more.

Just going to work is excruciatingly painful. I try to add commitments because I know if I don’t, I will be home bound forever.

This shit is hard. It’s been the WORST year of my life and I truly believe my job, my employer and my bosses have just perpetuated, cultivated, and nurtured this panic filled pathetic existance I have endured for the last year and clearly refuse to take any responsibility for creating an EXTREMELY hostile work environment.

God help me….will I EVER be able go enjoy ANYTHING ever again?!


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