Panic settles in for a reoccurring role in my night.
I’m tired from working so much, stress and life.
Today I felt…tolerable and had a Starbucks. Tall, white chocolate mocha. Decaf. It was good but I fretted I would regret it later. Then I thought, shit. I HAVE to figure out how to live my life a little. I don’t have fun any more. I find very little joy in anything, why not seize the moment, for a moment.
It was fine.
My morning started out a bit off. I was a little twisted up over slight dizziness. I was bent over scrubbing the tub, stood up and had that head rush feeling for a second.
I started revving but worked hard on talking myself down. All great tests. MAYBE a 1% chance of terrible ailments happening. I’m healthy.
On with my day I went. I was tired. I’ve been at work a lot. I’ve also been writing a book and doing a program prep at work.
Work is still tense but seemed to be getting better. Then we had a meeting today.
Seems my pre and post meeting panic and anxiety attacks spike to new levels when the Director is involved. She now just flat out acts like she detests me with every turn and its difficult to deal with.
So I had some apprehension about this meeting. It was with her, her minion, sensitive manager, repeat boss and new manager.
I felt very alone and unsafe. Not physically but emotionally.
We did our thing and parted company.
Later, sensitive calls me to tell me she and Director are talking and decided a few things….blah blah blah.
Okay….but you’ve gotta throw that you’re with Director on? You’re ridiculous but okay, I have no idea why that was important but, got it.
I go back to work and do my thing until well after 7pm.
On my drive home I try to focus on a presentation I need to give Friday. I’m feeling tired and worry I’m run down.
I get home and yep, tired.
I make my way to my room where I change and then I scrub the tub feeling like a bath is in order.
While I wait for the water to heat up, I write a bit on my book. I sit back and feel the pillows lightly press on the back of my neck. I know I have some sort of disc problem that will cause numbness on my left side if I keep it up, so I adjust. I have a very mild spat of dizziness and begin fretting.
Again, I try to remind myself that my tests are all amazing. The worry is one step ahead.
My spouse comes up and seems a bit pissy that I’m on their side of the bed. I decide its time for the bath.
Fret is still lingering so I take my Bp and pulse ox. All good.
In the bath I thank God and wish I could just lay my head on His lap and feel safe, secure and peaceful. I pray for others, I pray for myself. I mentally hug God and return to my room where anxiety and panic continue to grow.
After a few vital checks I decide perhaps I need another bath. When I get cold, I get anxiety. In I go.
I pray more. I ask for guidance. I wish I would’ve taken my Ativan before getting in the bath, it would be working by the time I got out of the bath.
So I do after the bath because the panic and anxiety just creep up more and more.
Does it work? I’ll know shortly.
As for now? Sleep calls. Thankfully stealing me away to calm and peace.