I sat for 6 hours working on my book today. I was trying to get a lot done. I am up to 5th grade and as I write, I cant believe I had to live like that. Its no wonder I have low tolerance for bullshit. Its no wonder that I am struggling with finding my path at work while its so hostile. It is reminiscent of my chaotic and destructive upbringing.
My work environment is so hostile you wouldn’t believe it. Director makes it a point to push her position around while the others cower. Today I got a call from her and I took it like a champ. Just short of Yes ma’am and no ma’am. I figure, today, I am not going to allow you to get to me. Whatever you want Director…..
Its all I can do. I cant put up with this game playing mean high school bunk any more.
So, I took the call, made the adjustments and moved on.
I went home and committed to working on my book. I really want to put it out there and let others in f-ed up situations know that they are not alone. Here is how I coped. Here is how I try to fight the good fight and here is how I’m trying to win the biggest battle of my life.
Reliving some of those moments is painful. Vivid and times cause you to struggle between then and now. You have to shake your head and remind yourself that you are an adult now and sitting in your home because you have to write with such detail that you get stuck for a split second. Its not terrifying because its understandable but I sure wouldnt want to live that life again. You couldn’t PAY me to return to my childhood and repeat it. There isnt enough gold in all the lands…..
So I have put the writing away for the night and am struggling with physical sensations. I have been leaning on my back/neck all day so its reasonable to assume that the tingling and numbness are from my neck problems but that doesn’t keep me from creeping to stroke worry. However, I sometimes feel I am at the point where I just about demand that if that’s the problem, just take me now because I’m over it. I’m still here…for now.
I do worry that dragging all of that up will provoke a meltdown. It has given me some reason to believe that maybe it wont. Maybe this book will be healing and resolve anything lurking under the surface but really, I don’t dwell on my childhood. Its super rare I will refer to it. More common since the panic and anxiety as I am searching every stone for a reason, cause or cure but really, I don’t endorse blaming my current state on a problem that I faced at 3 years old. That’s silly.
So, I want to say that we forge on. Panic and anxiety suck. So do some memories but ultimately at the end of the day, we keep moving forward in hopes that we create good memories and shake this ailment that lurks in the shadows waiting to pounce.
If you’re reading this, and you’re having panic, you’re not alone. We feel like we could die, faint, be sick or flip out. We are you, and you are us. Hang in there! We all have to!