Life on the run

I’ve noticed the last several weeks that I’m either putting off being home (alone) or I will calculate how much time before someone comes home, or leave work when someone will already BE home.

This isn’t the norm for me. I valued my alone time. It was a treat. I was always outwardly giddy when my family headed off to school or work and I had the house to myself.

Now, I fret.

I fret that I’ll be found dead on the floor or I’ll need help and no one is there.

It’s silly, but its real. It’s consuming. It’s painful.

My anxiety and panic have altered my life dramatically.

Like having a bully waiting at every exit, I just stay inside hoping that bully will get bored and leave.

While I am actually out in public, I pre-plan for medical events.

I try to make sure my wallet is securely tucked in a pocket on my person and my phone is close, but also secure in case I go down.

When I start “bubbling”, a term I use for the feeling of anxiety and panic increasing much like a pot of water put out to boil, as soon as it starts reaching that point, its time to go home. I take off and try not to let it overpower me before I can get home.

I’m constantly trying to outrun this storm only to have it “super cell” and surround me. Not always, sometimes I do win, but let’s not say it outloud because it will hear us, get mad and make an example out of me.

This morning I lay in the dark, slightly lit by the glow of my screen and begin my ritual mild fretting.

“Will today go okay?”, “Am I okay?”, “That pain….have I felt that before?”, “My neck feels strained, will I feel dizzy today?”, “If I do, will it cause panic?”, “Now my stomach is upset….”.

One day. I hope to wake up with a dialogue filled with thanks and prayer for others.

In the cold morning darkness, I listen to my spouse sleep and wish I could do the same.

My spouse was written up yesterday. In the pit of my stomach, I know this job is ending and I’m angry. I’m very angry.

It’s difficult to be supportive when you yourself have been through hell to support your family while your spouse has let things go, walked out, been fired and now, looks like they will be fired again.

Next month I was SUPPOSED to go to the Pfiefer Clinic to try ortho molecular testing/treatment to see if they can cure my issues. It’s out of pocket and all-in-all would cost around $1500 but has very promising results.

I can’t get it done here and there are few places that do it. So I have to travel. The inital visit with travel costs will be $1300+ if my spouse goes. $1200+ if its just me.

I’m not sure I CAN travel with or without my spouse but I was willing to white knuckle to get it done.

Now… spouse may be unemployed soon. I shouldn’t spend the money….which makes me angry and resentful.

I know its not spouses choice. I get that, but I’ve been waiting for this for months. I’ve saved and dreamt of going, of being tested and provided with my own compound that unlocks this prison door.

Now, I’m being pushed further back in the cell.

Spouse said “Why not put it off until summer or so…”

I was enraged. Oh, okay. I work hard, have been treated like shit, tormented, endured a textbook hostile workplace and been >< this close to ending it all a few times in the last year but SURE, let me put the chance for a CURE off because YOU can't get the details at a job I told you NOT to apply for in the first place….right.

Sounds reasonable. Sounds fair. Sounds like its what a loving spouse should be required to do.

So today, as I try to outrun the possibility of anxiety and panic, I will work on my resentment.

We've been together 14 years. I love my spouse. I really do but I feel like I'm left holding a bag full of shit the majority of the time while spouse finds themselves. You're 55. Settle it already and let me have a turn…..

It's "funny" because I've been one piss off from walking away from my job. I figured, spouse is still employed, seems ok, have my retirement and could cash that out and draw a monthly amount. Take a year off and finish/sell/promote my book, do other odds and ends, finish my degree….I was really warming to the idea and like the three other times before…..spouse jumped in front and claimed sovereignty forcing me back in my hole.

Eventually, you develop a deep glowing resentment. It doesn't matter if spouse isn't doing it on purpose because in the end, you're still stuck.

Daylight is slowly creeping in. A dark gray light filters through the shades. The smell of morning mixed with the smell of home fills the room. The faint breaths of spouse and big dog volley back and forth in the calm of the morning.

I look over and truly want to have compassion. Only a very small faint amount stirs but I think its more remorse than compassion. Remorse for not feeling more helpful or understanding. That's overrun by irritation.

You've been part of a situation that is robbing me of my chance to rid myself of this disease. Unwillingly or by design, right now it makes no difference and I'm angry.

I see the clock and know my day has to begin. I start making my escape plans if "IT" starts to bubble or consumes me. The thought causes a stir in my soul.

I hate this. I hate this pain. I hate clawing my way through each day. I hate that I had a chance to resolve it and its been taken from me.

I hate that the security of being in the position to walk off has been robbed from me again.

I hate that even before the sun has had a chance to peak over the horizon, I'm hating.


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