Tantrums


So Monday I was ready for disability. I spoke to an attorney, emailed my doctor and therapist telling them I’m ready to go inpatient.

By Friday I feel semi-me.

No, I haven’t entered the hospital. I haven’t started meds. I havent changed anything.

The storm blew over and left me with a spot of my old self.

You might think “Glory Be! She’s healed!”

I decline to rejoice because I seem to cycle. Crazy to semi normal. The moment I think I’m past the turbulence, a hurricane develops.

I’m sitting in the waiting room for therapist. I fear she will confirm I’m insane. How can you go from such dispar to semi “normal” in a matter of 3 days unless you’re off your chain?

Life with panic and anxiety is like having a demon toddler. It throws MASSIVE tantrums. Makes your life unbearable. Makes you want to pull your hair out and fold into a little ball……and then its fine. Acts like it isn’t even there.

Our minds are a terrible bully. The worst kind there is because no one knows us better than we do. No one can hurt us deeper or make us feel worse.

So I sit here typing and sitting like I’m a normal human being knowing all the while that the bully is just hanging out….smirking and waiting for the next moment before it throws itself down on the ground screaming and kicking, making me wish I never had it.

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