My visit with therapist was without a major insanity declaration. Well, I declared it, therapist declined.
The theory is that I took control. I had a meltdown but decided enough was enough. If this is going to continue, I’m going in to treatment. Therapist thinks perhaps this was strong enough to break the cycle.
I hesitate to agree. Perhaps it broke the cycle for that incident but panic and anxiety are stealthy ninjas. They reside under the cover of semi-normalcy and can pounce at any given moment.
Some may say I’m setting myself up for failure by looking at my glass half empty. I agree wholeheartedly.
I have been optimistic many times in the last year only to have epic issues a few hours or day later.
What I have learned about this illness is that it has free reign. It does what it wants, when it wants and to what degree it deems fit.
My truest hearts desire to rid myself of this beast doesn’t make it happen. Perhaps it makes coping easier, but it doesn’t rid me of it.
I don’t know that I will ever be rid of it. What I DO know is I try to celebrate and give God thanks for the moments without it.
My rituals include a prayer chain called The World Prayer Team. (http://www.worldprayerteam.com/)
I love knowing I can pray for others and they can do the same for me.
There are SO many people with suffering that includes anxiety and panic that I feel the least I can do is offer a prayer!
I like to pray for them all when possible, if not, I pray for several and hope they know God is there.
Throughout this ordeal, I have known God is there. I may be frustrated with my illness and the reasons I’ve been afflicted, but I’ve known He is there. I have been grateful and wished I could sit with Him. Feel at ease during that time and know all is safe.
Part of me feels this last year has been a big lesson in a few areas of my life.
I was an angry person. I still can be quick tempered but I think that’s the side effect of such great fear and worry. I think if those go, so will my temper.
I resented others for their treatment of me. I harbored it, stewed, revisited or nurtured it. Whatever term you want to use, that’s what I did. It’s a struggle not to, but I’m trying.
My actions were me based. I never gave freely without an expectation of recognition or making myself feel good. I practiced blunt speech because it suited me. I never considered what suited others.
I have been deeply wounded by others in my life both professionally and personally. That completes the circle I spin in. I’m hurt and resent it…..and so on.
I’m not free of these things, but I’m aware and actively trying to minimize or alter those things.
It helps me see others suffering. It helps me practice compassion and a true desire to help.
Do I do it because I think God will lift this terrible ailment from me? I’m sure. Pain provokes change. Not because we are in unison with the belief that change is needed but because we are in so much pain we are finally willing to look for and find better alternatives.
Change IS needed. Change IS happening. Whether God sees fit to remove this illness or not, I have seen a need for a kinder, more nurturing, compassionate me. I struggle, but I keep going.
Does that mean all of this is worth it? No! It’s been horrific. But I don’t get to choose the vessels that God deems appropriate. I just get in and hang on.