Walking on a tight rope

I’m exhausted from my week.

Fear of the fear weighs heavily on your mind, body and soul.

I’ve had panicky feeling moments that have drifted in and out of my thoughts and worries like an afternoon tide at the beach.

One second I feel it all start to well up, then it retreats only to repeat the process throughout the day.

I try to ignore it. As I’ve mentioned before, if “it” catches your stare, it’s on.
It comes after you with both barrels. So I take a submissive role of sorts.

I never stare directly into its raging eyes. I feel it well and divert my attention to the best of my ability. I repeat “This is what anxiety feels like. It feels like this each time. You react the same way. You’re fine.” And I try to continue on my way.

My heart rhythm has bounced around a bit this afternoon. Extra beats here and there. I hate that.

I ate a little, drank some orange juice and laid down shortly after. Never fails. It skips and jumps around being annoying and I try to repeat in my head what I know it is.

“You ate cheese bread. You never eat that crap. You had orange juice and laid down. This happens every time. It’s extra beats. You’re healthy.” I try to block out the buts and what ifs. It’s not easy. I have to force myself to stop that method of coping or I will be in a full blown panic attack in a matter of minutes.

I try to continue on my way.

GP emailed me back. He’s back from vacation and thinks if inpatient is what I need, then he suggests some programs in a desert region. Warmth and sunshine would be assisting a healing process. I just don’t know.

I feel I need something. I looked at anxiety retreats. Costly but maybe it’s what I need.

Honestly, at this point in my life, I feel I need something nurturing with some push, something structured, something dealing with my illness and in a holistic/natural calming environment. Not easy to find but I need it badly.

My goal is to do what I can while I look. I will try to push more yoga.

I did this Friday and had the surge of hating/liking it as well as the tide of panic and anxiety. By the time it was complete, I felt more relaxed and then I headed for my massage appointment.

My thoughts are that more time spent taking care of myself may allow my mind to settle and return to a functional state over time.

Nothing is concrete except that I have panic and anxiety that I need to learn to live with. Fighting it just makes it a longer and more costly battle yet giving in does the same thing. Living with anxiety and panic is like walking on a tightrope. Some days you’re balanced and some days you’re anything but.


3 thoughts on “Walking on a tight rope

  1. I feel for you and hope that you can figure out a way to somehow push back the panic attacks. You know your body and you are doing some good self talk and hope that you will feel better soon. If you can afford the retreats, that may a great option!

  2. The best way I find to feel “normal” is to become so engrossed in doing something that I forget abaout anything else. In my projects, even at work. When I get in the zone, everything else usually falls by the wayside. If you suffer from organic problems, you need to get your body under control as well. That is why concentration on something positive and even having to care about someone else’s problems works wonders on making your problems go away.

    • I agree with you. I try to force myself to do that as often as possible. I’ve redone the plumbing under my sink and decided to drop a new one in while I was at it because I knew I had to stay busy or I would just get worse.

      Thank you for your reply. I value it.

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