As I sit, surrounded by warmth and a dim light, I think about this life. I think about God, faith, Angels and the good people in this world.
I wonder how we got to where we are at. Destiny? Fate? Choice?
If you look over your life and think about chance encounters. Has there ever been a person that you had an interaction with, a stranger or even a friend that seemed to have something different about them? Their eyes are what catch me.
I seem to freeze moments with people, usually strangers that give me a pause. It’s the type of pause where you’re minding your own business and your eyes cross paths with the other person.
There is something more there than a stranger. They have a look in their eyes that is hard to describe.
It’s not a sadness but rather a look of something greater. Knowing maybe? They are usually “smiling eyes” despite what the person may be showing.
I guess for me, it causes pause because it feels like Im SUPPOSED to pause that moment. It feels like Im SUPPOSED to wonder how I know them, when I swear I don’t.
It happened yesterday. It was a service worker that talked to me like she knew me. Her eyes had that look and I felt pleased to talk to her. I had never met her in my life but her eyes….they seemed to tell me we had.
I’m still haunted by it because it was SO intense. I went to that location later and spotted her clear across the room on my way out. I see her look vividly now and part of me wonders if that’s just a little God reminder that we are all on this planet together.
We never know for how long or what our path is, but we do know we should do the very best we can while we are here.
Through life I’ve wondered if anyone other than those in my immediate circle would care if I departed. I assumed I would be a blip.
As I push through this new life I’ve been given, I realized that I have WANTED to be a blip because it was me being a victim.
“No one really loves me. No one has ever really loved me.”
Except, I haven’t put myself out there much.
I’m terrified of being left. I didn’t know it until today. Sure, I know I can be codependent but I had no idea just how much someone leaving or dying scares me.
Just saying the word “dying” causes my anxiety to well. It’s something that takes a person or pet away indefinitely. If I want to mend a cross fence or call and act like nothing ever happened, I can’t. They’re gone. You can’t undo that. You can’t repair it or work on it together. They’re…….gone.
My first heart-wrenching experience with death was when my best friend, my only best friend, died when we were 14. She was killed while riding on the back of a motorcycle in the rain.
I write it and my world swoons. I feel weak and I feel disconnected.
Her funeral is sketchy but staring in that hole, looking at that casket….it’s been years and I know what it looked like.
I went up to pay my respects. It was the first funeral I had ever been to.
As I peered into the hole, noticing her casket. The dark shiny wood surrounded by the fake grass, deep in the ground, I saw the gold Star of David in the middle. I had forgotten she came from a Jewish upbringing.
I stared at the top of the casket and thought a few words. I was confused and not sure what I should say or do.
I tossed the rose in and it made a terrible loud, hallow “THUNK” as it hit the casket that ricocheted to my core. I felt nauseous.
Neither of my parents were there with me. A friend that was able to drive took me. She dropped me off at school and I went on with my day. I had occasional outbursts or disruptions but they were for attention. I believe I had never experienced true grief before, had never seen it and was raised in a cold environment so, I think I acted the way I thought I was supposed to.
When it hit me, I was upset for sure. I remember having a dream. She called me. I couldn’t see her, she was truly on the phone.
Where are you?
You know where I’m at.
Are you coming back?
You know I’m not but you’ll see me again. Not for a long time, but Ill see you.
Can I call you?
You know why. I have to go. Good bye!
After that dream I felt I truly spoke to her. It was SO real! I was better.
So this last year I’ve really thought about what I want in life.
I want to serve God in any way He sees fit. I want to leave my current job because it is killing me. (For a second this afternoon I thought “fine, Ill stay a while” as I was getting things for home repair. Then a tragedy happened and Im back to thinking otherwise)
I want to finish my degree and learn the piano. I want to learn to crochet and finish a book worthy of someone’s precious time.
I want to be an even better person that others can learn from, others that I can help.
I want to enjoy my time on this earth and not fear every second, hating every minute.
I want to honor my departed family, friends and pets by living a life that they would pick for me.
It’s not that I want people to be in pain because of my departure. I would NEVER want someone to be in pain. Ever.
It’s that I want to leave something tangible. Something that gives peace and comfort in my absence.
Lord, please guide me. I want to be “one of the good ones”.
Blessings all around!