I lie awake in the early morning hours. It’s dark. The sun is not ready to get up yet. It’s cold. For a rare moment I think about the heater keeping my family comfortable and warm as I’m half in and half out of my blanket.
The orange glow of the clock pushes through the white glow of my phone. Almost 6:25 and my heart sinks. Ill have to get up in a few minutes so I can be on time for a job that I hate….that hates me.
As I lie here I hear the soft breaths of spouse whispering in my hear. Sleeping contently. Safely.
My dogs are curled up and sound asleep but ready to wake with any sound or movement.
It’s these hours that both give me a sense of home and a sense of fear.
What will I do if and when I lose one of these precious souls? What would they do if they lost me?
Death has been on my mind lately. I fear it for myself but I am terrorized by it for another. My thoughts leave that terror because its so consuming. I settle in on my job. My life.
I think about how short and fragile life is. I wonder, if I knew today was my last day, would I spend it laying here watching the clock so I’m not late for a job I don’t like? For bosses that don’t like me?
No. No I wouldn’t. I’d call in sick and do the things that would leave a lasting impression.
But, who gets to know when their last day on this planet is? We don’t have expiration dates stamped on the back of our hands like an entry pass to heaven. I wish we did.
My thoughts visit people and pets that left. I miss them. I pray they are at peace and next to God.
I pray for me.
My prayers are sad. I am sad.
As a kid I always tried to imagine what I would be doing with my life.
I thought I would be a writer or business owner. I never imagined wealthy but I did think I would have enough.
I thought I would have two kids and a handful of friends. A nice normal house and be content.
None are accurate.
My mind ponders the question “What happens to that innocence where anything is possible and most things are amazing?”
Do people we cross paths with in our lives beat it out of us? Do we beat it out of ourselves or is it a combination of circumstances and life in general?
In my youth I was strong. Easy going. Almost carefree.
As an adult I am the exact opposite.
The clock calls me back to the reality of my life.
I reluctantly start to stir. If I had more strength, I would follow my heart. I would quit this job. I would take a year off and heal, go to school, learn to play the piano and try to find that young person that thought everything was interesting and amazing.