Trying to shut crazy down


Coming home from work today I thought about the last month. It was almost a month ago that I had an epic meltdown.

My panic and anxiety have “improved” overall, in a way. I was thinking that I’ve tried to be reasonable about it.

I’m not saying I’m cured. I’m not saying I’m 50% there. I’m saying my level 10 panics are less frequent. My level 3-5 panics are more prevalent. Anxiety in general is present throughout my life.

Sure enough…within 15-20 minutes, I started to feel numbness by my ear and cheek. This has been absent a while. I haven’t missed it.

I have been having a few tight muscle issues on the left side of my neck lately. I’m sure it’s from subconsciously tensing. My skipped beats are more prevalent the last 2 days and I’m still concerned I have rabies that is not in a dormant stage any more.

So when I say I’m “better” I’m talking about off the hook anxiety. I’m not talking about my illness in general.

I’m over tired. I’m stressed and getting ready for the rest of my long week. Hormones are making an appearance and that drives both my panic and my extra/skipped heart beats (PVC and PAC). It’s like a double whammy.

So as I type, waves of panic crest and fall. Fear.

Fear of the rest of the night. I’m not busy and idle minds bring anxiety. But I’m worn out. I need a rest.

I reason that I’ve felt this before and Crazy (whom we’ve dealt with before) wants to argue. “But what if…” Starts to be spoken when I try to shut it down.

It’s just like all of the others. “But your numbness…”
No, I’ve felt that before too.
“It’s the rabies”
If it is, there is no cure. Why get worked up for something that can’t be stopped or changed.
“It’s stroke”
No, all of my markers are super low. My diet is even better, so my markers are probably better. No, it’s anxiety and panic.
“But that chest pain…”
I waited all day to eat. I ate bread. I ate something new and I ate it fast. This is usually the time I feel that when those things happen.
“But…..”

I’m tired Crazy. I’m taking a nap and whatever is going to happen, it will happen. I hope you’re wrong. I hope I’m right.

I’m going to try to relax and think about the perfect world where you are not in it.

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