It has snowed for a full day. I now struggle with the need to clean my walks with the fear of exercise.
I look around my bedroom and see stacks of health books. Fitness, cooking or books about healthy living and wonder where that person went.
My life was about health. It still is but in a fear based way.
I haven’t worked out in close to 8 or 9 months. I’m afraid to. Silly huh?
I’m fearful of heart attack and stroke but I won’t work out.
Fear is unreasonable. It’s usually lie based and has superhuman powers.
For a moment last week I considered hiring a personal trainer. Then I realized I am starting a temp part-time job Monday and taking online classes as of last week. (which I still need to go in and see what needs to be done!)
It’s a familiar pattern. Zero to 100. It’s what I do.
So I stopped in my tracks. I will not have room for one more thing. My temp job is early mornings. Too many of those and I don’t do well.
School can be demanding so, I need to focus there.
I need to walk at home. Walking is better than nothing. Plus my temp job will require me to be active so those two things can get me acclimated to moving again. Maybe it’s what I need to start exercising again.
It’s proven exercise helps depression and anxiety. In my early days of panic when I was still fit, I would run on the treadmill and it was like a cure all.
Somewhere I lost that and decided it would do me in. I’m not sure why but I’m fairly sure it was when my PVC and PAC (extra and skipped beats) were being wild and out of control.
There is nothing worse than working out while your heart skips around. You’re fearful anyway, that just seems to be poking a stick at it.
Even though they are more quiet now (they are there, I’m just either focusing less or they are less intense) I still can’t seem to get back to exercise.
So right now, I’ll try to push walking. I’ll do my active temp job and pray that gets me moving and comfortable with it so I can get back to doing the things I enjoyed.
Recovery is a path of winding peaks and valleys. It has canyons you swear you can’t cross and zip lines that allow you to sail through events with ease.
There are dead ends and a few short cuts but mostly, there is a solid path that has to be walked.
It gets old. You have huge setbacks that generally follow huge gains.
It’s important to keep pushing forward on the days that you can so when the bad days show up, you can rest up for the next push.