Home Alone

Can you have the opposite of agoraphobia?

I wonder if I don’t have a hybrid.

My anxiety wells and I want to be around people. I’m anxious if I’m not. However, when my anxiety is off the charts, I want to be with people at a distance, at home.

I started my morning with physical therapy for my neck. I’m so tense it provokes symptoms of anxiety such as disequalibrium, numbness and the like.

As the PT is working on my neck, doing release pressure, I start to feel awkward. Like little bubbles of dread starting to surface. I worry for a minute or two about having a seizure. I’m not sure why but I’m guessing it has something to do with messing with my neck, worry over aggravating the symptoms, maybe it all stirred up some nerves which released some adrenaline. Who knows.

As I write, I notice my anxiety is creeping a little higher.

It’s the fear of being home alone. Fear of having a medical issue and not having help.

Life has been crazy stressful this week. Lots of emotional upheaval at work and I falter into health anxiety when things become difficult to deal with.

I haven’t vitals checked yet this morning but I feel like I will. I’m nervous about how I feel physically and vital checking is what I do.

I have some appointments today that will help keep me occupied. One is with therapist.

I haven’t seen them in a while so I may have some anticipatory stuff going on there as well.

With work…it’s a never ending barrage of drama. I’m sure my panic and anxiety don’t help.

We are all waiting for big announcements today and that causes a great deal of anxiety as well.

I’ve had some super sized discussions with some execs in the company. Some harsh reality, some painful truths and some foggy notions. Mostly, it’s an opportunity for growth on both sides if those with poor intentions can be kept at bay.

So, I push forward wondering what is under each footprint that lies ahead.


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