I don’t know why


I don’t know why those little muscle twitches that I used to find amusing, scare me so.

I don’t know why calf pain signifies a blood clot. But it does.

I don’t know why a headache is deadly or why a moment of low blood pressure upon standing means the end.

I don’t know how I came to be afraid of my body. But I am.

I don’t know why I spend my days feeling every event. But I do.

I don’t know why I get flickering mental images of medical issues that have me collapsing or why this all ever came to be.

My resolve used to be solid. My fear of ailment was nonexistent. My worry over death or being incapacitated was unheard of.

Now it’s my days and if I’m unlucky enough to be awake after everyone else is asleep, then it rules my nights too.

My last thought before I go to sleep is about whatever current worry I have for my health. My first thought when I wake up is about whatever my current worry is about my health.

You want to reason with yourself.

“It’s been 14 months. If you were dying, it would have showed by now.”

Reasonable

You cannot help but reply.

“Doctors miss things all of the time.”

That response is too scary to dive deeper into so you resort to a barrage of insults.

“Stop being such an idiot. You’re so stupid. One day you’re dying of a blood clot, the next day heart disease and the day after its Rabies. You’re so stupid!”

There is no reply. It’s how I feel.

A persistent itch is probably some weird manifestation of rabies starting to show. Coupled with muscle twitching and aches.

It couldn’t possibly be a diet imbalance and/or allergies.

I try to remember what it was like to feel safe with myself. It’s getting far enough away that its becoming very faint. Very hazy. You start to wonder if you EVER felt safe but in your soul, you know you did.

I never worried about a cramp. I was annoyed by it but it was either an activity issue or unexplained and left at that.

Never did I fret over it.

Now I do to the point it causes additional symptoms. Muscle weakness, shaking or feelings like I have tremors, numbness and really, the list is endless.

Yesterday I was watching a video of myself talking. I became convinced I had had a stroke at some point because one side of my mouth is higher than the other regarding my speech and smile.

It wasn’t until I dove into pictures from years ago that I saw, that’s just my face.

In come the insults.

“You’re so stupid. OF COURSE it was a stroke, EVERYTHING has to be a big deal. You’re such a f-ing idiot!!!”

Again there isn’t a response because every part of me agrees.

There are times I get angry and insist that I’m going to carry on with my life. If I die, I die…..

“Wait….what was that? That felt weird. I wonder what that means. I’m fine. So strange. I’m okay. I don’t know. I think that was weird. Well, just look it up real quick. I know something on there will scare me but I’ll stop before I get that far because this is nothing. I’m just curious.”

And THAT’S how you end up symptom searching for hours.

You’re on a never ending hunt for why because our brains insist things out of the ordinary have a reason when sure, they might but its probably so obscure and small that its insignificant.

It’s exhausting.

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