Have you seen the movie “Wreck it Ralph?”
It’s about a video game character that breaks up buildings (wrecking) and wants to be a good guy but no one will allow it.
That’s my work life in a nutshell.
I was the “fixer”. The person to help turn areas around and get them moving correctly. I guess in doing so, it set a reputation as me being a beast or as being someone who is difficult to deal with.
I’m not. Many in our company would say they find me agreeable and helpful.
The mean girls (my bosses) don’t.
It stems from my original boss and I butting heads. It stems from her (at that time) inability to be secure in her position and thinking I wanted to undermine her. I would never.
It stems from her family being in power positions and starting the tale of distrust and disdain.
For many years I have had to endure gossip, slander and deceit. I kept thinking if I work harder, do things faster, better, make more money for the agency or change into who they say I should be that I would finally reach the place of value.
Yesterday I came to the realization that it will never happen.
They’re not capable.
So, where does that leave me?
Wrecked. Despondent and with a massive panic & anxiety disorder all in the name of trying to win over my bosses…..all for nothing. Nothing.
The only thing I have to show for my years of loyalty are mounting medical bills, battle wounds you’ll never see, the lowest self-esteem on record and…being wrecked in every single way possible.
They used every ounce I had to give and “amusingly” still want more.
I have nothing left for me, my family or my “life” yet, they want more.
What would that be? My last breath? Because there are plenty of days I swear those people, that company has just about driven me to take it.
I have panic, anxiety, health anxiety, OCD, depression and zero self-worth.
If I continue maybe you’ll even take my family, my home and of course, my soul.
Well, I’m going to have to decline.
Yesterday was the straw that did your camel in. You all win.
I officially am too wrecked to live. I’m officially too destroyed to fight back, defend myself or even care.
It took you a long time to destroy me but you finally have. Congratulations.
I won’t be back. I won’t be your whipping post or the person you use any more.
I can’t. As I glance around the room and see the wires, monitors and blips of my heart beating across the screen with the nurse steps away I realize that you’re not worth anything to me.
I’m broken but hopefully someday I will be strong again. You are decayed and people who are like that generally stay that way.
It’s too bad really. I worked hard to move mountains for you. In this day and age, how many employees are willing to even try?
So I head out on my way to rebuild what you’ve destroyed. To someday be back to myself and hopefully find an employer that will value my work and allow me to be one of the good guys.