Down for the Count


Agoraphobia

I haven’t left my room much or my house at all in 3 days, tomorrow and the next day aren’t looking good either.

This is the first time I’ve been totally homebound. Probably not a good sign that I have no intention of leaving other than to the doctors offices.


Panic

Rolling waves for days (and now nights as well)

Anxiety

Near non-stop

Health Anxiety

Near non-stop

Fear

Near non-stop

We have to wonder what in our minds either break or go on vacation for a little while. Is it being disappointed at work or a combination of the stress of your job, the world we live in and life in general…or all of the above?

I move when I need to in order to prevent blood clots. I eat when I should to prevent low blood sugar and I drink water as often as I do to prevent low blood pressure.

None of those things are to live my life directly. They are to stay alive….in a life that totally stopped existing 4 days ago.

There are no services available for me because I am not willing to hurt myself or another. There are no programs that will take me because I have Pharmacophobia (fear of medicine).

I fall through the cracks of an already worthless system. As the one falling through those cracks, it makes you feel even more hopeless. It is like they want you to be in some crisis either at your expense or the expense of another in order to get help. That is just ridiculous to even consider.

So I will have to strike out on my own and try to correct what is wrong. I will have to figure out a way to get myself put back together.

I called a treatment center who told me that unless I was WILLING to take medication, they couldn’t help me. When I corrected the nurse by saying “I would LOVE to take medication, I have a phobia of it” I was told that it is considered defiance rather than a true fear.

Really………tell my fear that.

So if you have claustrophobia, arachnophobia or a phobia of clowns, you’re able to just choose to not be afraid of those things because that’s essentially what I am being told about my fear.

Western Medicine. It has ZERO tolerance for anyone that doesn’t cope with medication because that is what Western Medicine has to offer. It is almost like “Well, if we cant throw medication at you to “fix” the problem then we cant help you, keep moving.”

I guess its up to me.

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