It’s quiet in my house and on the street. People are tucked safely in their homes while the hum of traffic in the distance starts to take on new life.
My mind is the polar opposite.
I was awoken after dreams of work disrupted my rest. The Director and her camp managed to break through the barrier that’s been created, disrupting my healing.
It’s been better, then bad again.
My ability to focus was strong at first, now it’s been derailed by the possibility I may return to the place that destroyed me. To the people that make sure you know you hold no value while their words say the legally appropriate things.
While home I tried to focus on other tasks. My goal was to be as productive as moments would allow.
I pushed with emphasis on recovery I’m the beginning. I didn’t want them to win!
Then I had to deal with them and I stumbled. Dusting myself off, I made another charge at life. After a short time passed it was time to review my return. I stumbled again, this time I fell.
My thoughts raced with “What if’s”. “What if I have to go back and I can’t do it”, “What if I think I can go back and they way they act gets even worse.”, “What if this time, they do destroy me and I won’t ever be me again?”
I pulled myself back up. I didn’t have the energy to dust myself off but stood up mostly straight, trying to walk on.
Then, I was forced to interact yet again.
I’ve been in a free fall ever since.
As I reach for the sides of the tunnel in an attempt to stop my decent, I’m forced to review my situation.
Yes. For now.
Yes. Some days. I hope it to be more than I realize.
Yes. I gave my company TOO much and when I tried to pull back to save myself, they smelled fresh blood and went for the kill.
Maybe a little but only because the never ending underlying message to ALL employees is that we are not valued. We are replaceable to the point of devaluing what we contribute on any given day.
Totally. I believed in them and they played me. I believed them when they said the company’s mission was to help others. What I didn’t realize is that it would be at the cost my own personal health and well being.
Do I hate them?
On days like this, it becomes easier to dislike them. I hate their actions. I hate that the company allows it. I hate that they WANT to be the way they are but no, I don’t hate them. I’ve tried. I’m not wired that way. I can’t.
If I could say something and actually have them absorb it…..
It would be;
You say ALL of the time how employee perception means everything.
I’m your employee.
My perception is one of distrust of you because you say one thing but do another.
You swear you can be trusted but time & time again it’s obvious that you can’t.
You scheme and we see it. You plot and we hear it. You connive and we dread the day that its against one of us.
You gossip and we know it. You have made huge mistakes and try to hide them, never owning up.
You are distrustful and we shoulder the responsibility of if. When in reality, you’re not to be trusted.
Perception means everything, remember?
You see, you project an image of insecurity surrounded by “power”. No matter how much you want to be believed, you’re not. No matter how much you SAY you’re “there for” us, you’re not and no matter how badly you want us to have faith that you’ll do the ethically moral and respectful thing, we don’t. You’ve failed too many times.
It’s the perception you’ve created.
Now I have to try to piece my life back together because of it.