If there would not be commitments, there would not be a venture out.

I stay home each day as content as I can be in this situation. Anxiousness is a staple but the discomfort that accompanies leaving remains absent.

No, I don’t sit around watching soaps all day. I don’t lay around either. No tv or radio are on. No movies or video games fill my time.

I sit at my desk and write. Check emails and get updates on things I send out. It’s at home. I’m okay.

Put me in an office and that will change in an instant.

No one else is home and as long as I know when they will return, I do okay.

There is a 30 minute window before I begin getting wrestles and upset if they are late. Thankfully, that is rare.

I spend my day fretting about my health. I’m not symptom checking much because I’ve read it all. My heart feels awkward and I try to reason that its because I don’t DO anything taxing for the first time in my life. It’s lazy and I don’t know what that feels like.

I avoid anything that will cause it to beat faster. So strange coming from someone like me.

My time is spent worrying my mornings into afternoons into evenings until I finally fall asleep and do it all over again when I wake up.

I don’t discuss it with therapist because I think she’s one step away from sending me along my path. I can’t take medicine so there are very few things that she says can be done to help me. If I tell it how it is, I’m dismissed.

I don’t discuss it with my doc because its the exact opposite of what he is wanting me to do. I can’t help it and if I could….I sure would.

I go to my commitments when I have to. I spend an hour fretting about going, the 15 minute drive dreading it, clawing my way through the 45 minutes that I need to be there and racing the 15 minute drive back home.

What a life!

If it were not for commitments, there would be NO venture out!


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