Oh THERE you are! I didn’t see you waiting….panic and anxiety.
You two are hanging out together tonight. Okay….
Well it may have taken me a moment to spot you and it may take me a few moments to wrangle you but…I will.
The day started like every other since I’ve been home. Non-descript. No real solid plans other than an appointment and getting through my day.
The day wasn’t awful really. Though, I couldn’t tell you what I’ve accomplished.
I ate things I don’t normally eat and thought it worked out.
Tonight I felt the storm of physical sensations begin and had apparently forgotten how it all goes.
The weak shaky legs and arms. The numbness in my face and feeling like I can’t swallow. A brief fear that I am imploding from some undiagnosed neurological catastrophic ailment.
Things I have felt before. Things….
I haven’t missed.
My mind automatically reverts. Fear wells a bit before I’m able to step in.
“Whoa there! Slow down! This feels SO much like it used to. Remember? Weak, shaky, wobbly, hard to breathe, swallowing issues, fear…all of it. Just like before. So, do I think it might be a panic attack? Sure! I know what it feels like. Just like this. It doesn’t mean I’ll feel like this all of the time. It means I feel like this right now. Had a LOT of sugar today. Never eat it…might be contributing to this. Not sleeping well, also contributes. Other things going on so, yep, probably contributes. It will pass. When I’m distracted for a minute I feel fine so it stands to reason it’s my mind playing its old tricks. Nothing more.”
So, with that I set about reducing panics hold. It’s slippery and will take any opportunity to get through.
Today was a day of feeling lost and hopeless coupled by poor eating/sleeping and a change in activity.
Panic loves a day like this. Defenses are down and the ability to respond correctly is impaired.
I may wake up tomorrow without a single thread of left over ick or, I could wake up feeling the same or even worse.
One thing I know for sure is that regardless, I have to keep pushing through.
It’s painful as hell and I haven’t a clue what I would do if I was working right now but today…this moment…..I’m not.
I’m here, within my four walls – taking a moment at a time and dealing with what it has to offer.