Differently Same


The left part of my face and left arm feel numb and I have a KILLER headache. I feel mildly impaired when using my left hand or doing things.

The paragraph above is a health anxiety sufferers green light to the super highway of obsession.

I’m working hard to keep things in perspective. It’s a serious task and takes just about all I can muster.

It’s likely anxiety gnawing away at my security. I remind myself sternly that these things do happen to me frequently and try to push myself to do the things I need to do in order to accomplish tasks today.

I was able to bully my way through a few. Not all but a few.

Part of me wants to be harsh and feel bad about not completing all of the tasks while I know I need to be more “understanding” and rejoice in the fact that I did indeed complete some tasks today despite the difficulty of the situation.

I rested when I felt overwhelmed but kept trying. That’s what is important.

Maybe it’s trying to be “nurturing” to this new me that gives me bursts of thinking I can get back to life.

I make plans, try to push things along but make every effort to space things out to allow for the ritual mini melt-downs that happen throughout each day.

It doesn’t always work. Sometimes I get too comfortable and start making plans to return to normal life only to suffer a near immediate and painful reminder that its still too soon.

The strange thing is; this stuff doesn’t have an expectation date. Could it be tomorrow that I wake up and the clouds have cleared? (I sure would love that!) or next week, next month? I’ll take it if it means I can have a life again.

Mine isn’t a life. I’m like….a beta fish in a small cup.

I survive in this tiny environment because there really isn’t another option right now.

My small cup is all I can cope with at the moment but I have dreams of going back to the ocean. (Yes, I know betas are not from the ocean..going for a visual here.)

As long as that dream is alive, there’s a chance.

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