Yesterday started out to be hopeful. Minor but symptoms, something you can live with.
Within a few hours of feeling like maybe I have a chance of moving from 90-95% bad days to the 80s or, dare I hope, less…
I had a negative and creepy interaction with someone and it flipped my day upside down.
My symptoms rolled in with a vengeance. The room wobbled. My heart pounded. Fear of death swirled over my head and the stench of fear filled every room.
I sat wondering (again) where I had gone. Where is that strong person?
I have spurts of big productive moments. I can do a lot in an hour. Nothing physical, just mind work, but it is massive.
Once that hour is over, I am depleted and left still trying to patch this broken soul back together.
My return to work draws closer and my symptoms have grown with each passing hour.
Fear of the return of bigger and more overwhelming symptoms. Fear of being driven permanently (if that’s not already the case) into a crazy state.
Lets not forget that this is the same place that cared so little about me as a human-being that I ended up in the hospital with wires attached to every place possible.
Lets not forget the demeaning games the Director played (I amusingly write that as if it is past-tense), the lies the Director told and the fact that I went to Human Resources and the Directors boss with the end result being within a few months I was called into a meeting with HR and MY boss and reprimanded for treating an executives son (my employee) poorly, even though every employee can attest otherwise.
Could I have trained him differently? Perhaps. He was unmotivated and did things I or anyone else would have been fired for but, that’s not for me to say. It made it difficult to get him where he needed to go.
This is the same place that refuses to allow me to be who I am, rather than who they perceived me to be 8 years ago while doing the difficult job of restoring order to some of the most chaotic departments I’ve ever seen.
In doing my job, I’ve been threatened, had a drink thrown on me, stalked, harassed to the point of having to change my number and block others, I’ve had to call the police, had my car keyed, called despicable names and been left menacing notes on my car.
That’s just by ex-employees and customers.
By supervisors I have endured isolation, exclusion, lies and sabotage.
The Director, as my direct supervisor told me I wasn’t allowed to be friends with a former employee (I moved locations and was told not to speak to anyone at the old location anymore). This former employee and I are still friends despite my direct order.
This from the same person who befriended several of her employees and co-workers and who still socialized with them on a regular basis.
So, as I write, I’m taken back to where I left off. The confusion and hurt feelings, anger, resentment and sense of betrayal.
It’s like I never left.
The difficulty is in managing this swirl of emotions, the fear of not being capable all mixed with the anxiety that rules my minutes.
My greatest desire is to beat this disorder. My greatest hope is to be seen as the person I truly am and my greatest wish is that life becomes worth living.
I want to make a positive difference in this world. Nothing else is acceptable.