God Grants

Things are chaotic today and my adrenaline is freely flowing.

I asked therapist once what the difference between anxiety and panic was. I didn’t get a response because we got off topic so I think I will ask again.

My anxiety is creeping up. It is time to be released and I know I am not ready but I have to try. I have difficulty in my own home let alone a place I have to be for 8 hours at a stretch.

My fear is that I will fail in an epic manner. My fear is that I wont ever be that highly productive person I used to be without terrible consequences like anxiety attacks and unexplained physical difficulties.

I spent some time again today wondering where that confidence went. Man, I knew what I was doing and motivation was not an issue. Fear happened but I walked through it and spit on the way by. I never let it see me sweat.

Now, if I even THINK there is a chance of fear, I develop anxiety and refuse to engage. If I think there is negative responses or consequences, I avoid it. I refuse to look fear in the eye because its stronger than me and might kick sand in my face.

Ridiculous I know but very cemented in who I am.

What I have noticed without a doubt at this point is that my body/mind cannot handle too much of anything. I have mentioned it before. I cant take anything more than a flat-line of ANY type of activity or emotion.

I was excited about something yesterday. Not over the top, jump up and down and clap my hands excited but just super hopeful and I paid the price.

So, I wonder if there is more lessons I am supposed to be absorbing.

My life prior to all of this was not one of extreme emotion unless I was angry about something. I still have moments of anger but I don’t allow them to creep too high because that adrenaline dump is very excessive and overwhelming.

However, I also have to keep myself in line when sad or happy. The consequences are not as severe but the same symptoms appear in a lesser volume or intensity.

Before all of this, I would have joy. I do not have joy any longer. I have moments where I am less anxious. THAT has replaced my joy.

I would have moments of peace. I do not have peace any longer. I have moments where I am less anxious. THAT has replaced my peace.

So I wonder.

God helped me resolve panic. I WAS inundated all day every day previously and then was shown my way out. I have a respect for those that suffer from panic and feel for them. It wasn’t that long ago that I was chained down.

Now, I have an equal match with anxiety. I cant figure it out and I don’t understand it. It has no rhyme or reason, just like my panic didn’t. But, it hangs on for dear life. Just like my panic did.

I wonder if God isn’t trying to teach me control. I do believe my lesson last year was in humility and this year it is humanity. Perhaps control because I was impulsive. I like thinks to be resolved NOW. Good or bad, I like them to be settled as soon as possible so I can move on.

Life isn’t about me and my comfort OR wants. I do know that…now..

Perhaps learning how to control the impulse to make decisions (it was a 50/50 split as to how good or bad they turned out) that are based on time and space rather than speed or resolution.

I have said this entire time that my hope is that I am on a path that serves God. I refuse to believe that a soul goes through this much torment with no benefit to mankind. Those that want to serve probably need to learn what the trenches look like in order to keep them empty.

It is miserable but, I have to keep trying to push forward. My worry is that I am headed back and there are days I cant push. I am weak and don’t have it in me. Days that I feel like my body has a mind of its own and I am just along for the ride. There are days I feel as though I could faint or collapse any given second so I retire for a while where I feel a little better but still inundated with negative emotions and symptoms.

I worry that those days will come because I just had one and I am not at work yet.

This stuff is so hard to navigate. It is like I am just well enough to be considered right on that boarder of well, but not nearly well enough to be considered a resident.I guess that would make me a tourist!

Therapist suggests that this awkward balance is why I fall through so many cracks. Not sick enough to end up in treatment and not well enough not to.

Where does that leave me and others like me?

Sitting in the same boat circling the harbor between crazy and sane with no real help out there I guess.

If only FMLA were 24 weeks….12 weeks has been beneficial but I truly think I am a year or so away from being able to walk forward on a regular basis. Why?

Because I poured everything into my work for years and left nothing for myself. Stupid thing to do and I am getting ready to enter the life that expects it, once again.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change! Courage to change the things I can and man, I sure need some focus on the wisdom to know the difference.

Spouse says “Dont sweat the small stuff” which is great advice unless you are a Type A+++ personality learning to be just an A at the moment.

Through these 12 weeks I have learned a few things about me.

I am a control freak. If people that knew me read that they would outwardly laugh in my face. I never believed it to be true but when I am able to do my laundry, I am super particular as to how it is folded, hung or stored.

I am the center of the universe. It is possible that many of us that have blogs suffer from this same issue.

If you don’t call me back its some issue with me. It would never enter my mind that it is because you are out of town. Oh, it may fly through but it wont land. If you scowl as you walk by, its because you have an attitude about me. It couldn’t be because you forgot something on your desk. that isn’t possible because I am not on your desk!

I always think it has some negative thing to do with me.

The thing is, I cant figure out why I allowed that to take root. I believe it is partially the environment I work in because you never know when that shoe is going to drop. They love a good ambush and they will lay low for weeks before you are blindsided over the smallest or largest issue. 

They do this because they want to get their ducks in a row but they also do it so you have no warning. They want you defenseless so it is an easy attack and then it is over. I know because I have seen it done on employees. I hate it. 

This environment isn’t a great one and I do believe it directly contributed to my fall. I worry it will happen again and this time there wont be any question as to which island I am circling.

So, I am bracing myself for a siege of emotion deep from within.

In the meantime, this was a lot of excitement so I am going to retire.

I pray for resolution and I pray for each and every person that has to walk this path, or one just like it. It sucks.



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