Relapse rinse and repeat

Today was a day from hell.

Reminiscent of a few months ago. The room spinning, becoming light headed on a whim. Weak, wobbly.

I went back to work at the end of last week. Within 3 days, I was having super symptoms.

Today they are wanting to take over.

I’ve got regular commitments that I have to meet and to do it, takes an entire day of preparing myself to spend that little bit of time, doing what I’m supposed to do.

I choke back the fear that wells and I try to mask the dizziness by moving when I feel it is safe.

I sent an email asking for assistance in the department I am in and those are not generally received well on a good day. Add my three whole days in to it and I’m sure I’m facing a firing squad tomorrow.

That worry doesn’t calm my issues.

I think FMLA should be based on your length of employment. I feel that after X amount if years, you should get a year if you need it.

I’m sorry but my current employer is partially, if not fully responsible for me being wrecked. I would think that taking a year to try to piece me back together wouldn’t be too much to ask….

I want to beat this. I want more than anything – to walk into my place of employment and feel like I can do it, inside and out.

Outwardly, I’m sure I seem fine. Inside, it’s the most excruciating thing!

So painful, all of the damned time!!

Like I’ve said, when I can be productive, I accomplish a TON of things, so much that it looks like I’m fully productive. The problem is; those productive times are maybe once or twice a week. 2 or 3 total hours of being able to complete tasks in a week, doesn’t make a great future!

So this afternoon I am trying to cope and get ready for whatever my day brings tomorrow.

My company always enjoys a great ambush so, I’m sure there will be one of those on the books. My email and all…

On the up side, I have an unruly right hand person and honestly, I think it’s just all of the changes that have gone on. I’m not mad about their actions. I’m not pleased but for once, I’m not upset by the things they’ve done in a short time. I view it as a hiccup that can be corrected. That’s a new one. In the past I would have insisted on an immediate chat and made sure the boundaries were laid out clearly.

I think that still needs to be done but not then. The situation was fresh and talking about it right away would have only aggravated the situation. I said little and left it alone.

We will revisit it but in a teaching – team work method rather than a correction.

Everyone makes mistakes and even though their first impression was terrible, that doesn’t mean they can’t do their jobs or won’t do things differently next time.

That’s a change in approach.

So, I guess I’ll see what happens tomorrow.


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