I spent the day surrounded by the very elements that caused my fall. I think I handled it well, but dreading it the entire time. They are up to something but the boot hasn’t fallen on my head just yet.
I watched as they flit and fluttered about in the fashion they do when they have some type of destruction or torment in the works and then I wondered if I shouldn’t just get up and leave. It was just a hair short of too much to be there but I pushed through and kept my agony hidden as I have done for the last year and a half. Smiling, chatting and sharing as appropriate, I doubt if any single person in that room had any idea what agony filled my soul throughout the entire time there.
How can that be?
Its pretty “easy” because you see, I don’t matter.
Watching these people that I have been around loosely for the last decade and a half, I realize that I have never mattered.
As they all flit from one person to the next, chatting, laughing and seeming to enjoy their time in this environment, I am screaming inside “I WANT TO GO HOME!”
There is something especially difficult about being around people that don’t really care for you, when you have an anxiety disorder. It just makes you feel worse about yourself, as if that is possible – but, sadly, it is always possible to feel worse about yourself. I do it daily.
Every action they make, you question the intent. You don’t trust that they have any interest in your wellbeing whatsoever because when you walk up, they scatter. When you make eye contact, they avert. When you try to speak, they cut you off.
Its not a great feeling and the funny thing is always the fact that if you were to ask them about these they would take one of two stances.
The first one would be to stare at you blankly and imply they have no idea what you are talking about. The second would be to assure you that you are making something out of nothing which would be great if you weren’t always waiting for that boot to fall and drop on your head. They don’t bother with dropping shoes…they would insist that whatever it is, is your own doing and claim absolutely no responsibility for creating the environment that may have caused a situation to develop or a fear to fester in the first place.
They like to keep people worried. They like to remind you – frequently – that you are expendable and that negative action can always be brought against you for a variety of things. They like to wield their power.
I sat there today thinking over the last several years and wonder why I even give a crap. They have always treated me poorly. They have always made fun of me, belittled me and been negative toward me, so, why does it matter now?
It took me some time to figure it out. Simply put, after so many years, you would think that at least ONE of them would be respectful for just a minute if for no other reason than you almost killed me. You still may and then it hits you. Maybe they are reacting the way they have because they were daring to have hope that you wouldn’t return and they would be rid of you.
And there it is.
It isn’t that their treatment of me will ever change or that I would ever matter more than a gnat, it is that I matter so LITTLE that my absence was happily accepted and likely hoped for.
What I have found through this experience is that to the depths of my soul, I don’t feel like I matter in this life. Its pretty hard to take. No one wants to believe that they hold no value but I truly don’t think I do. Today was a very bright example of that awful reality that I have tried to escape.