Outta the Blue


Like a hawk diving on its prey, anxiety sweeps in and kills the day.

 

My morning started out great. A little tired, a little stressed from the trials and tribulations at the job but I was trying to push that all behind me and enjoy a nice sunny day with beautiful weather.

We were driving on the highway having a conversation about a creeper blowing past my boundaries when I felt like my blood pressure dropped crazy low. Twice. I was driving as I always do so it startled me for my spouse and me.

As we continued on our path I kept telling myself it has happened before. It isn’t real, its anxiety.

That doesn’t work today.

Symptoms erupt.

Hands and limbs that don’t feel like they move right. Tightness in my chest. Foggy head. Fear.

This one person and their actions touched off a firestorm that has demolished my day….so far.

We started the morning with plans. We talked about how beautiful it was outside. We talked about our first “date” and our future. I was feeling pretty good and relaxed. I turned to my spouse and said “I think for the moment, I am doing better.” I had hope.

Within the hour plus, I am home and checking my blood pressure. My hope has been smashed.

I feel wonky. Out of sorts. I keep trying to push my brain and body to pass these symptoms off as anxiety but they refuse to accept it. It doesn’t matter that “we” have felt this way at different times for over a year.

Part of my resistance is down because of work. I know they are trying to drive me out and I am doing my best not to let them. At some point, they will probably win. My concern is at what cost. They almost killed me the last time. Will they succeed this time?

I ask questions and get no response. No acknowledgement of even have asked the question. My emails go unanswered. Its like communication has been severed. Are they getting ready to fire me? Maybe. Hope your documentation is better than all of mine from the last decade.

I am exhausted from the stress and cleaning up what was left. When I get too tired, anxiety is hard to fight. My symptoms can erupt at the slightest provocation (like today) and it takes me hours or days to manage them back to tolerable.

It is days like this that I wonder if I will ultimately become disabled. These days make it very hard to live. I feel bad for my spouse. A day of promise dashed. I’m sure its getting old.

I have been trying to manage my work stress. It isn’t easy. It is almost like they see you floating and keep throwing more and more bricks at you to try to get you to sink. If you pop back to the surface, it seems to make them mad and they try even harder.

I hope I am wrong. I cant imagine wanting to sink someone. I wouldn’t want that on my conscious but again, I have one. A few of these people don’t.

I’m really trying to keep things in perspective but all of these unknown factors make it terribly difficult.

If they fired me tomorrow, I should probably thank them. Sue them, yeah, but thank them for putting me “out” of my misery they have created. But, who wants to be fired? I have a family to support.

I was told once that I will never amount to anything at that company because I wasn’t liked. I said what I thought and tried to do the right thing. (This was a VP) Because of those things, the key people in charge of my area were never going to allow me to move forward and were probably at some point going to combine forces and destroy me if they could.

At the time I agreed with the moving forward. They would never allow it. But I found the destroying me thing a little out there. Now, not so much. I do think it is in their top 3 goals. I represent some sort of discomfort of fear for them. Maybe they fear they have told me too many secrets that I can share and it would be easier to get rid of me. Maybe I bother them because I refuse to quake when they come near or refuse to treat them as if they are royalty.

Don’t get me wrong, I am respectful and try to do the right things but I will not cave and act like they hold the moon and stars. They are no different than anyone else and the rules apply to all of us. Equally. They don’t care for that so much.

SO, here I am on my day off, worrying about worry and fretting about work. Chicken or the egg? It is hard to say.

As far as the creeper goes, it was a terribly upsetting situation and I think it has come to an end. Almost. I just need to give it a little bit and then I can break free. Ultimately this situation (began at my place of work….of course) will resolve but apparently will crack apart my day first.

My plan to wrestle with this anxiety?

Drink some water in hopes that helps the feeling (and actual) slipping of the blood pressure. Read, study and do what I can, when I can.

I know I need to push, but no so much that I go from a 5 to an 8 on the freak out meter.

I had coffee today. I shouldn’t have. I was feeling good and branched out. Too much too soon on a day when I am reeling from my week. Moderation.

That’s the key.

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