I said goodbye to my adored dog today. He was amazing and wonderful. He helped me through my panic attacks last year and my anxiety issues this year. He was my rock and my heart breaks knowing I wont have him waiting for me when I wake up.
I know things can always get worse but honestly, I don’t recall a time in my life that has been as bad as the last year +.
Being harassed at work has taken on an entirely new aggressiveness since my return from FMLA. Its epic and the loss of a part of me has just made it feel even worse. I dread going to work tomorrow because the pain will be on the surface and those people smell it like a shark smells blood. They will circle and attack. Its what they’ve been doing since my return so this is just going to exaggerate their response.
My dog was a doll. He came to me when I was gripped by panic. He positioned himself next to me and would press up against me to let me know he was there. I would find so much comfort with him….and when fireworks or thunderstorms made him feel the same way…I would bring him close and make sure he knew I was there. I would stay up all night fretting when he didn’t feel well and I would rush home to make sure he was okay.
My other dogs know he is gone and you can see the sadness on their faces. They seemed to sense when he was being taken to the vet because his sister became frantic and kept jumping on me. I didn’t have a choice. I want him here with us but not at the cost to him and his comfort. He couldn’t breathe very well and was in pain. Two terrible things separately. Combined they are cruel to inflict on someone that would lay down his life for you.
I saw him leave and I felt a piece of me go with him. Each time I have to make this decision, that drive and lay on that floor…it steals part of the tiny section of my soul that only they can get to. Its a part that no human will ever see nor experience because animals are true. People are not. No matter how deeply you love or are loved by a person, it is only a micro version of what it is for your animal family.
For those that don’t view pets that way, stop reading. This isn’t something you would find the least bit tasteful.
For those that have pets or have gone through this, you probably get it.
As a child I was a dog fanatic. I ALWAYS adored them. As a kid the dog in my home really didn’t view me as much but she was still my buddy. I was just a lower level dog to her. I wanted her to stay in my room but she wanted to be with the adults. I didn’t care, she was a dog and I loved her but she was forgotten as I grew older and left home. She preferred my mother and I wanted to leave home.
It wasn’t until I grew up that I learned the true value of having a pet. I found my soul mate in the animal kingdom in the form of a stately large breed dog. I adored him heart and soul. For the first year or so of his life I was fortunate enough to have him with me non-stop. He was able to go to work with me and we hung out together. He was my world and I was his.
When I had to make this same decision, take that same drive and lay on that “same” floor watching the life filter away, my soul screamed out and honestly, I don’t think it has ever stopped. If I spend more than a split second thinking about him, I crumble. He left me 9 years ago and it is still incredibly painful to think about.
Today all I could do was hope that my boy joins him, and the others. (2 cats, 1 female dog and my soul pup). I know they will all be waiting for me when it is my time but that doesn’t make it any less painful.
As I smoothed back the soft fur on his temple and whispered my undying love and devotion to him I couldn’t keep the tears from flowing and I hate crying in public, in front of people I don’t know….or do.
I knew when he left me, just like I knew the moment the others did and it is always painful with a mix of relief for them. They are free of this world, the pain and illness they were fighting bravely to be with me….they were whole again and with God.
With my world being as painful as it has been, I wished I could go with him. I am tired of being here. I am tired of dealing with people that think they can do as they please without any type of consequence.
I have to take a stand at work this week and I don’t want to. I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t have to go through this because you decided that your bonus or life would be more enjoyable with my unemployment.
I keep waiting and it seems like I am the one that has the bad Karma. I cannot figure out why. I try to help others and I love to see people do well for themselves. Helping is where “it’s” at in life and I try to do it as much as possible yet……my life is just total shit.
I think about the time I spent on FMLA and am grateful I was able to spend it with him. I would have felt cheated had I not. He was next to me the entire time. He was my champion and I loved him. He will sure be missed.
So, I brace for my week that will likely include a termination. My bosses have steam now and they are ready to use the new found power to rid themselves of someone they have disliked for years but that they haven’t had the power to destroy.
I don’t know what lies they are telling people but I have to assume they are in order to get as much clout as they have.
I have a meeting with an attorney tomorrow. I am filing a lawsuit against my employer and bosses as individuals. Never in my life would I have thought I had to do this and it disgusts me to my core that the world has gotten so abusive that an employee has to fight the battle in court to get them to change their ways.
I am suing them personally because they have made the personal decision to engage in workplace bullying, discrimination and harassment. When you as a supervisor make that decision, you need to know that it can have consequences for you in your life.
I will be attaching myself to their homes, cars, savings and wages for the next 10 or 20 years. Perhaps they will reconsider before doing the things they have done to me, to someone else.
I will be suing my employer for allowing it. Perhaps when I have attached myself to your income, name and reputation for the same amount of time, you will think twice before looking the other way because nepotism became to close to the top to control. When you turn a blind eye, you say it is okay. When you ignore an employee who says there is a problem, you endorse it.
My goal is culture change. Maybe if I sue them then they will change their ways for others. My end result will be the same. I will be unemployed regardless but that other person who will face it after I am gone? Maybe this will stop it before it gets started.
In the grand scheme of things, my dog is gone. My heart is broken and my employer is probably going to fire me tomorrow.
I put in my headphones to listen to a podcast. I pressed the button and Sara McLaughlin’s “Arms of the Angel” song rolled through the headphones and into my heart. This album holds significance in my life as it has appeared every time I am undergoing painful transformations that rock my existence.
I feel like it was a hug from God telling me that my boy is up there with the others running and playing and sure, life sucks but God is there while I walk this awful path.
I know He says he will take care of me but the human side fears the uncertainty that I am facing. I know that He has promised everything will work out for the better but the scared side likes to “what if” and worry about failing.
God wont let me fail and as much as I want to follow that with a “but…” statement, I wont.
God Wont Let Me Fail