Unanticipated Mourning

It approaches the afternoon on a weekend. I am not normally home now but since I was let go, I am home a lot.

Job searching is slow and yields very little response. Faceless electronic submissions, you don’t see people any more, they also don’t see you which can be good or bad depending on your look I guess.

One interview went well until we established that the company has solid dealings with my last employer. Everything turned to ice within a day. Can’t imagine why!

Home is comforting and I am grateful for it. Life being in a total upheaval is not the norm and not something I particularly enjoy.

I find myself missing my dog quite a bit. Each day it sinks deeper into realization just how much he provided comfort for me. The others are my love as well but there was something different about him. He just knew…..

He knew when I was sad and would come over and push his face against mine. I never let a dog lick my face before and I didn’t with him, he stuck them in quickly but it made me laugh each and every time…for years.

When I was having anxiety he would come over and sit by  me making sure his arm or a part of him was touching a part of me. His presence provided me comfort when nothing else could.

When I was having panic attacks he would place himself in front of me, staring into my eyes and hoist himself to eye level, balancing on the front of my chair with his two front paws. He would star intently into my eyes and I would just hug him. He stayed as long as I needed him to. I needed him to – a lot.

When I was sick, he would lay next to me. He would occasionally place his head on my chest or lap and just lay there. Having him near me made me feel better.

When I was burdened by my job he would do silly things to make me laugh. If I cried he would sit close and sneak a forceful lick of my face in to make me forget and start laughing.
He made silly faces and seemed to know when was the best comic timing for many of the things he did.

One of the things I miss is letting him in from being outside, having him run though the house – bound up the stairs, across the floor and pounce on his favorite toy, shaking the house during the entire process. He was my rock and my joy. I am struggling to learn how to deal with this new life without him.

Before panic and anxiety I would have a difficult time anyway. Post those afflictions, it feels too new, too big and too overwhelming.

Those with a special relationship with their pets understand.

We don’t all have to be the types to call them our “kids” or dress them up. There are plenty of us that love them as deeply as they love us without the oddities that this world has become.

Spouse and I were talking this morning about the very large vacancy that his death has caused in all of our lives. None of us realized just how present he was in each of our own individual lives as well as the household as a whole.

My other dogs are lost as well. We are all in a new environment trying to forge a life without one of our family members. It isn’t easy.

So today I am a bit off. Not quite anxiety, maybe little blurbs of what want to become panic but mostly it is a sense of being overwhelmed and a bigger sense of loss.

That terrible place with those terrible people I was employed with just exaggerated the issue. Not unlike them and I am sure they would take immense joy in knowing that I am struggling. That is the type of sad human beings they are. Negative and totally enthralled with gossip – unless it is about one of them of course.

My struggle today has nothing to do with them and everything to do with my missing friend.

Today is a mourning day and I sure didn’t see it coming.




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