On a day filled with friends and support, my previous employer came up in conversation.
Within a few minutes my anxiety started to climb higher and higher. By the end of the gathering my anxiety was swimming freely about along with my disequilibrium, pounding heart, difficulty breathing and trouble walking. I spent time fearing a medical event.
It’s funny how days are improving to the point that I CAN have a gathering but not funny how talk about my previous employer can wreck me almost completely.
I wonder if there will be a time that they can come up in discussion and I am unphased.
It’s not that I spew venom when someone mentions the company. I am upset that they have lied and done very unethical things but being that angry only hurts the person that is mad. I don’t engage in bashing because they know what they’ve done and my circle of friends is well aware if how this company and their leadership behaves.
That doesn’t change how my mind and body react to the discussions about them.
It doesn’t change the near panic levels that my anxiety boosts to because of them.
Had I not learned how to deal with panic, I would be in a different frame of mind but my system sure likes to push that envelope when its given fuel.
So in the wake of a lovely pre-fall day filled with laughter and friends, my employer once again rises up to destroy any ground I can gain.
It’s a form of employer induced PTSD that I would be willing to bet others have experienced. There is no way I am the only one.
My hope is that one day I will cross paths with Senior, Director, Old Boss and Minion. That I will be polite and humane to each when I know they are not capable. My desire is to be respectful and neutral when I know they don’t deserve it.
I will spend the next few hours or even days putting myself back together again but my worst day away from them far outweighs my best day with them. That pretty much sums up who they are and that’s a shame.