Terror


I hate how you can determine what is happening in my life by the amount of symptoms I am having.

  • PVC/PAC like I haven’t seen in a few months. Regularly irregular beats/skips/thumps and thuds.
  • Disequilibrium – thought not as prevalent as most other times. I think I am distracted by my heart.
  • Chest pain of various forms. Aches, pinpoint pain, heaviness, full feeling, radiating. It changes frequently.
  • Difficulty breathing. I know I am breathing with my chest which is a sign of anxiety. Trying to switch back over is nearly impossible at this point but I keep trying. Taking deep breaths has brought on additional thumps and bumps so even that is stressful.
  • Anxiety is a given isn’t it?
  • Tight neck and shoulders – also to be expected.
  • Gastric bubbles and turning. My stomach and chest cavity sound like the Titanic is scraping past the iceberg. Which is promptly followed by skips and extra beats.
  • Feeling weak. Its hard to tell if it is because of my heart activity or anxiety. Likely all of the above.
  • Fleeting feelings of being faint. Same as before. Maybe heart activity or anxiety or both.

This is how you know that my former employer has either come up in conversations or made some other appearance in my life. It is why I firmly believe I have PTSD from them. It happens every single time. Tonight it is off the charts but so is their appearance back in my life. Things are moving forward and my body doesn’t want to deal with it. Neither do I.

Like I said last post, when you spend so much time being beat down and you start to believe what you are being told – it takes its toll on you in every way possible. I fear that this reentry in my life will push me back to where I was at the beginning of the year. I don’t know if I can go through all of that again. I don’t think I can. The last year or so of my life changed me. It weakened me and I don’t have another one of those left in my soul. I just can’t go through that again.

I was near bedridden a majority of the time. I couldn’t spend time with my family and friends. I couldn’t tolerate being out in public for any longer than short trips that were meticulously planned and scampered home the moment I could or the second something went awry.

My spouse and child suffered. I suffered and those that knew me suffered. I was a total and complete shell of myself. I think if I have to face that again, I just wont make it.

Then there are the thoughts of what is happening. The company is circling their wagons and we will be locked in an endless display of the terribly destructive game; He said she said –  with facts, figures and documents to back up each side.

It is a losing battle on both ends and I really do not want to be in it. I am not someone who relishes the thought of destroying others. Even if they deserve it. I am not someone that wants to battle with you – even though you deserve it. Most importantly, I am not someone that wants you to suffer the anxiety and panic that I have – that you caused – even though you deserve it.

I do agree that when this makes the news, my name will be forgotten but the company will continue to answer for their actions. Unfortunately, I do agree that in this case, that should happen if for no other reason than it will ensure the company takes the steps to prevent this type of workplace bullying in the future.

In the end, nothing is going to fix the fact that I cant take the stress. Nothing will change the fact that every 4 seconds my heart skips some beats. Its terrifying and I sure hope I live to see the morning!

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